tihvavy  of  Che  theological  ^tminavy 

PRINCETON  •  NEW  JERSEY 
PRESENTED  BY 

Rufus  H.   LeFevre 


MAV   21  11^52 


THE  FAMIL^^^^MoAkiaSS^ 


The  Home  and  the  Training  of  Children 


BY 

l.'bookwalter,  d.d. 


WITH    AN    APPENDIX 

The  home  Schooi. 

BY 
REV.  I.  L.  BOOKWALTER 


AN    INTRODUCTION    BY 

G.  A.  FUNKHOUSER,  D.D. 


DAYTON,  OHIO 

United  Brethren  Purmshing   House 

1894 


Copyright,  1894, 

By  W.  J.  Shuey,  Publisher. 

All  Bights  Reserved/, 


PREFACE. 


These  lectures,  delivered  at  the  request  of  the 
Faculty  of  Union  Biblical  Seminary,  Dayton,  Ohio, 
before  its  students,  were  prepared  with  no  thought 
of  their  being  presented  to  the  public.  But  after 
they  had  been  delivered,  a  request  came  from  the 
Seminary  that  their  contents  might  be  put  into 
permanent  form  and  given  a  larger  hearing. 

After  the  lapse  of  some  months,  time  has  been 
found  to  add  a  chapter  addressed  especially  to 
parents,  the  three  lectures,  with  slight  exceptions, 
being  left  as  originally  delivered. 

The  many  imperfections  of  these  addresses,  pre- 
pared in  the  midst  of  the  ever-pressing  duties  of  a 
large  pastoral  charge,  are  not  unknown  to  the 
author;  but  it  is  hoped  that  even  so  imperfect  a 
contribution  to  the  discussion  of  the  important 
subject  treated  will  awaken  increased  interest  and 
accomplish  good. 

There  have  been  added,  also,  some  extracts  from 
articles  written  during  recent  years  by  my  father, 
Rev.  I.  L.  Bookwalter,  under  the  title,  "  The  Family 
School,"  and  published  from  time  to  time  in  the 
Religious  Telescope.  These  together  make  what  I 
consider  a  valuable  appendix  to  the  book. 

L.  Bookwalter. 

Dayton,  Ohio,  August,  1894. 


'4Q<S 


CONTENTS. 


Preface 
Introduction 


PAGE 

i 


CHAPTER  I. 

FIRST   LECTURE  —  THE   FAMILY   AS   AN   INSTITUTION. 

Introductory  —  Importance  of  the  Subject — The  Per- 
sons Addressed — Interest  in  the  Subject  Needed  — 
Duty  of  Ministers  — Origin  of  the  Family— Diverse 
Views— Christian  View— Marriage— Its  Basis — Types 
of  Family  Life  —  Greeks,  Romans,  Hebrews — Christ's 
Teaching— Celibacy  — The  Family  the  Foundation  of 
the  Social  Order — Perils  Threatening  the  Home  — 
Teachings  of  Plato  and  Others  —  Erratic  Movements  — 
Divorce  and  Its  Evils  —  Ministers  the  God- Appointed 
Guardians  of  the  Family       ......      9 

CHAPTER  II. 

SECOND   LECTURE  —  THE   HUSBAND   AND   WIFE   AND    THEIR 
RELATIONS. 

Type  of  Family  to  be  Considered— Delicacy  of  Inter- 
ference by  the  Minister— The  Minister's  Influence— 
The  Husband  and  Wife  — Marriage  a  Union  for  Life 
—  Tendency  to  Looseness  of  the  Marriage  Relation  — 
Secularization  of  Marriage— The  Religious  Character 
of  Marriage  — The  Choice  of  a  Companion  — "Mixed 
Marriages  "— Protestants  and  Catholics— Christians 
and  the  Unregenerate — Scripture  Examples  and 
iii 


IV  CONTENTS 

Teachings — Families  with  Irreligious  Members  — 
Wise  and  Unwise  Marriage  of  Ministers — Equality 
of  Husband  and  Wife — The  Husband  the  Nominal 
Head  of  the  Family — Husband  and  Wife  Should 
Share  Duties,  Sacrifices,  Responsibilities,  and  Counsels 
—  Parentage — Sins  Against  Parentage — Necessity  of 
the  Preservation  of  the  Family — The  Family  the 
Source  of  the  Church  —  The  Protection  of  Law  — 
The  Law  of  God  to  be  Observed 30 

CHAPTER  III. 

THIRD  LECTURE  —  THE  RELATION  BETWEEN  PARENTS  AND 
CHILDREN. 

The  Child  Makes  the  Man— The  Influence  of  the  Home 
upon  the  Child — Increased  Attention  Now  Given  to 
Children  —  Literature  of  the  Subject — The  Minister's 
Duty  and  Privilege  —  Duty  and  Responsibility  of  Par- 
ents—  Rights  of  the  Child  —  Duties  of  the  Child  — 
False  Teaching  as  to  Child-Training — Government  of 
the  Child  Necessary  —  Scripture  Teaching  —  Christian 
Nurture  a  Religious  Duty  —  Preparation  of  the  Minis- 
ter to  Give  Instruction  upon  the  Subject — A  Few 
Books  Mentioned  —  Books  Should  be  Placed  in  the 
Hands  of  Parents  —  Ministers  Should  be  Examples  in 
Good  Home  Government — The  Plan  of  God  — Nota- 
ble Examples  of  the  Training  of  Pious  Parents  — 
Religious  Homes  the  Source  of  Power,  and  tlu> 
Strength  and  Hope  of  the  Church      -        -        -        -    52 

CHAPTER  IV. 

WORDS   TO    PARENTS, 

pecific  Instructions  not  Needed  as  Much  as  a  Deep 
Sense  of  Duty  —  Material  Comfort  not  Sufficient — 
Attention  to  Character  Necessary  —  Order  Essential  — 
True  Method  of  Government — Ruling  by  Authority 
Fundamental— How  to  Maintain   Authority  — Pun- 


CONTENTS  V 

PAGB 

ishment  of  Children  — Reason  and  Affection  not  to 
be  Discarded — Love  the  Life  and  Soul  of  the  Family 
—  Sympathy  with  the  Children  — Over-Governing  to 
be  Avoided  — Proper  Freedom  of  the  Child  —  Cultiva- 
tion of  Self-Control  and  Development  of  Self-Depend- 
ence  —  Right  of  the  Child  to  the  Good  Example  of  the 
Parents  —  Agreement  and  Cooperation  of  Father  and 
Mother — Genuine  Piety  Essential  to  Religious  Train- 
ing—The Home  Atmosphere— "The  Parents'  Associ- 
ation of  America" 71 

APPENDIX. 

THE   FAMILY   ^^CHOOL. 

By  Rev.  I.  L.  BooTcivalter. 

I.  A  New  Movement  Needed         -        -        -        -    91 

II.  False  Methods  of  Securing  Obedience       -        94 

III.  The  Duty  of  Ministers      -----    97 

IV.  Self -Denial 99 

V.  Little  Things .  103 

VI.    A  Good  Mother 106 


INTRODUCTION. 


God  has  ordained  three  institutions  for  the  wel- 
fare of  mankind  —  the  family,  the  church,  the 
state.  The  most  important  and  responsible  is  the 
family,  because  it  furnishes  the  foundation  on 
which  the  others  must  build,  the  subjects  with 
whom  they  must  do  their  work ;  the  more  respon- 
sible in  that  it  does  its  part  first,  and  failure  here 
can  be  remedied  only  in  part ;  the  more  responsible 
because,  while  the  state  looks  to  civil  rights  and 
the  church  to  spiritual  culture,  the  fjxmily,  the 
first  ordained,  has  the  care  of  the  physical,  the  men- 
tal, and  the  moral.  It  has  to  do  with  being  as  well 
as  with  relations  It  is  under  heavy  bonds  for  the 
proper  structure,  even  to  the  furnishing  and  beau- 
tifying, of  each  of  the  three  stories  of  man's  nature 
and  of  all  of  them  together,  while  the  church 
has  the  contract  only  for  one, —  the  spiritual,  and 
only  the  finishing  of  that  as  begun  in  the  home, — 
and  the  state  merely  stands  guard  as  the  work  is 
being  done  by  the  others. 

The  family  is  the  more  important  and  respon- 
sible because  it  is  possible  for  it  to  meet  all  of  its 
obligations  without  either  of  the  others.  Its  work 
well  done  leaves  almost  nothing  for  them  to  do.  If 
so  responsible,  why  so  little  said  by  public  teachers, 
ministers,  editors,  statesmen,  authors,  as  to  how  to 
construct,  dignify,  and  beautify  the  home? 
vii 


VIU  INTKODUCTION 

How  Jesus,  the  great  teacher,  touched  and  up- 
lifted the  home.  He  had  little  to  say  about  other 
agencies.  He  purified  the  stream  in  the  fountain. 
He  blessed  the  parents  and  the  children. 

Is  there  any  connection  between  the  pallid  face 
and  exhausted  movement  of  that  mother,  because 
of  the  insubordination  of  her  boy,  and  her  willful 
disrespect  of  her  own  father  and  mother  a  genera- 
tion ago,  or  between  the  grief  and  disappointment 
of  that  father  over  the  carelessness  of  his  daughter, 
just  blooming  into  womanhood,  and  his  own  disre- 
gard of  moral  beauty  when  she  was  young  and 
impressible?  The  fruit  is  bitter,  not  less  because 
it  is  of  their  own  planting  and  they  have  eaten  of 
it  for  twent}^  and  thirty  years.  Unequally  yoked, ^ 
God's  order  set  at  naught,  tells  the  story. 

This  book  will  be  an  inspiration  to  fathers, 
mothers,  and  children,  the  married  and  unmarried, 
because  God's  ideal  of  family  life  is  held  up.  It 
is  suggestive  rather  than  exhaustive.  It  is  plain 
on  delicate  points  of  the  subject. 

The  author,  by  nature  and  grace,  by  the  home 
from  which  he  came,  by  knowing  how  to  rule  well 
his  own  house,  by  his  experience  and  success  as  a 
public  teacher,  is  fitted  to  speak  on  this  too  much 
neglected  subject,  and  deserves  a  large  hearing. 

The  added  words  by  the  father  of  the  author, 
the  promoter  of  these  lectures  to  the  students  of 
the  Seminary,  are  from  a  man  of  prayer,  piety, 
S3^mmetry,  and  experience. 

G.    A.    FUNKHOUSER. 
Union  Biblical  Seminary, 
Dayton,  Ohio,  August,  1894. 


THE  FAMILY; 

OR, 

The  Home  and  the  Training  of  Children. 


CHAPTER  I. 

FIRST  LECTURE THE   FAMILY  AS  AN   INSTITUTION. 

Gentlemen  of  the  Seminary: — 

Perhaps  in  no  more  intelligible  and  appropriate 
way  could  both  the  subject  and  speaker  be  intro- 
duced than  by  the  reading  of  the  following  letter 
recently  received  by  me  from  the  President  of 
your  Faculty :  — 

Dayton,  Ohio,  November  21,  1892. 
My  Dear  Brother:  It  has  been  a  long-cherished  desire 
of  your  father  to  have  some  lectures  delivered  to  the  stu- 
dents in  the  Seminary  upon  "The  Responsibilities  of  the 
Home"  or  "Duty  of  Parents  to  Their  Children."  For 
this,  if  given  due  attention  and  kept  up  from  year  to  year, 
he  desires  to  give  some  money.  I  think  Brother  Miller  has 
given  him  the  desired  assurance.  And  now  the  Faculty 
desire  that  you  should  fill  this  place  first,  giving  two  or 
three  prepared  lectures  upon  such  phases  of  the  above- 
named  subject  as  would  be  most  pleasing  to  your  father 
and  most  beneficial  to  the  students. 

An  early  acceptance  and  compliance  will  please  your 
fellow-workers,  and 

Yours  truly, 

G.    A.   FUNKHOUSER. 

9 


10  THE    FAMILY 

No  thoughtful  person  will  question  the  impor- 
tance of  this  subject.  It  is  important  because 
practical ;  practical  because  it  bears  directly  upon 
the  formation  of  moral  and  religious  character. 
But  all  this  will  appear,  it  is  hoped,  as  we  proceed 
with  the  discussion. 

It  is  quite  likely,  however,  that  this  question 
of  the  home — of  family  government  and  train- 
ing— is  seen  in  clearer  light,  and  very  probably 
with  more  nearly  a  just  conception  of  its  real 
import,  by  those  of  advanced  years  and  extended 
observation  than  by  us  whose  personal  knowledge 
is  more  limited.  At  least  we  notice  that  elderly 
men  and  women  manifest  the  most  concern  re- 
specting the  proper  conduct  of  the  home.  This 
fact  is  worthy  of  our  attention,  as  justly  calculated 
to  give  to  the  matter  additional  weight.  And 
further,  gray-haired  fathers  and  mothers  and 
silver-haired  grandfathers  and  grandmothers  have 
passed  through  the  more  active  and  responsible 
years  of  family  relations  and  duties  and  see  both 
their  successes  and  failures — the  latter,  no  doubt, 
seeming  to  them  to  fill  too  large  a  part  of  their 
life's  picture.  They  would  gladly  have  something 
said  and  done  to  enable  those  who  come  after 
them  to  meet  their  duties  with  better  equipment 
and  better  success.     So  it  might  be  supposed  that 


THE    FAMILY    AS   AN    INSTITUTION  11 

one  whose  life  covers  so  much  of  observation  and 
experience  respecting  family  government  as  does 
that  of  my  father  would  be  concerned  for  the 
general  improvement  of  family  life.  He  has,  no 
doubt,  in  common  with  others  of  like  age,  seen 
and  noted  many  things  which  have  created  in 
him  this  interest  in  the  subject  of  the  proper  and 
successful  training  of  children — notably,  per- 
haps, the  living  demonstrations  of  his  own  fail- 
ures. 

Just  here  I  think  I  should  state  that  as  the 
time  approached  that  I  must  reply  to  the  re- 
quest sent  me,  I  felt  hesitancy  in  complying, 
because  of  a  want  of  time  to  give  to  the  subject 
that  thorough  study,  and  to  my  remarks  that 
careful  'preparation  and  finish,  which  both  the 
subject  and  my  hearers  should  claim.  My  min- 
isterial and  pastoral  duties  are  such  as  to  demand 
well-nigh  all  my  time  and  energies.  My  concep- 
tion of  the  theme  before  us  is  such  as  to  lead  to 
the  feeling  that  its  just  treatment  is  no  ordinary 
task.  Some  men  make  short  and  easy  their  treat- 
ment of  the  subject  under  consideration,  as  if,  by 
quoting  a  few  passages  of  Scripture  on  the  mu- 
tual duties  of  husbands  and  wives  and  on  the 
training  of  children,  and  whirling  a  birch  rod  in 
the  air,  they  were  setting  before  an  audience  the 


12  THE    FAMILY 

whole  question.  Such  a  conception  of  the  sub- 
ject is  far  enough  below  that  entertained  by,  at  least, 
some  of  us,  and,  it  may  be  hoped,  by  us  all. 

I  am  reminded  that  these  remarks  are  not  to 
be  directed  to  a  class  of  hearers  such  as  one  is 
accustomed  to  address  when  speaking  upon  this 
topic.  It  were  a  common  and  comparatively  sim- 
ple task  to  discourse  to  a  mixed  congregation  of 
fathers  and  mothers  respecting  parental  duties. 
But  I  am  speaking  to  but  few  such, —  and  os- 
tensibly not  for  such  directly,  —  were  even  every 
man  before  me  already  a  husband  and  father; 
though  it  is  hoped  that  these  discussions  may  prove 
of  much  practical  value  to  each,  when  in  the 
years  to  come  he  shall  have  assumed  the  head- 
ship of  a  home. 

Rather,  it  is  the  aim  to  reach  parents  in- 
directly— through  those  who  are  themselves  to 
be  the  instructors  of  parents,  and  who  are  by 
direct  speech,  and  contact,  and  personal  example 
to  be  the  molders  and  promoters  of  true  Chris- 
tian family  life  among  the  people.  So  he  who 
here  speaks  upon  the  family  is  supposed  to  be 
speaking  to  the  guardians  and  teachers  of  the 
home — to  be  an  instructor  of  instructors  in  home 
government  and  training. 

But  it  will,  it  is  hoped,  occur  to  no  one  that  the 


THE    FAMILY    AS   AN    INSTITUTION  13 

aim  shall  be  to  merely  lay  down  a  sort  of  outline 
of  rules,  to  present  a  list  of  practical  suggestions, 
touching  the  subject.  Nor  does  it  occur  to  me 
that  this  is  the  chief  thing  first  wanted,  either 
here  or  on  the  part  of  a  pastor  with  his  people. 

To  my  mind,  the  one  great  thing  wanted  every- 
where is  interest — real  interest  in  the  subject.  The 
immediate  aim  should  be  to  call  definite  and  in- 
telligent and  continuous  attention  to  this  thought, 
and  to  thus  awaken  in  it  a  deeper  interest  among 
all  classes. 

It  will  generally  be  conceded  that  this  impor- 
tant and  vital  subject  of  the  family — with  all  that 
that  word  means,  of  relations  and  duties  between 
husband  and  wife,  parents  and  children,  and  of  its 
relations  to  and  influence  upon  society  at  large  — 
is  receiving  far  too  little  attention.  Even  in  the 
most  advanced  Christian  communities,  and  in 
professedly  religious  homes,  where  family  interests 
are  supposed  to  be  most  carefully  studied  and 
best  directed,  there  is  need  of  much  improvement. 
Nay,  it  must  be  said  that  the  public  teachers  of 
morals  and  religion  themselves,  the  ministers  of 
the  gospel,  are  giving  to  this  great  question  far 
less  attention  than  its  importance  demands. 

Wise  and  godly  instructions  by  pastors,  either 
from  their  pulpits  or  at  the  firesides  of  their  peo- 


14  THE    FAMILY 

pie,  are  not  very  often  given.  It  is  very  seldom 
that  a  preacher  awakens  his  congregation  and  the 
community  to  serious  thought  upon  this  subject. 
Why  ?  Why  should  ministers  so  generally  fail  to 
give  attention  to  the  home-life  matters  of  their 
people  ?  Certainly  not  because  it  is  unnecessary, 
for  the  most  widespread  and  grave  evils  of  our 
time  are  largely  to  be  attributed  to  the  general 
looseness  in  family  life  and  training.  It  may 
seriously  be  asked  whether  a  gospel  minister  is 
true  to  his  calling  who  does  not  interest  and 
inform  himself,  and  interest  and  inform  his  people, 
upon  the  subject  of  true  family  life,  and  give  to 
them  such  instruction  as  the  heads  of  every 
household  will  be  interested  and  blessed  in  re- 
ceiving. 

Before  entering  upon  the  more  practical  phases 
of  our  subject,  let  us  stop  a  short  time  to  consider 
that  institution  which  is  at  the  very  foundation 
of  all — the  family.  So,  "The  Family  as  an 
Institution  "  will  be  our  topic  this  morning.  Even 
a  mere  glance  at  its  origin,  history,  relation  to 
the  social  order,  relation  to  religion,  the  dangers 
that  threaten  it,  etc.,  will  be  of  interest  and  profit. 

We  are  aware  that  in  the  minds  of  many  inde- 
pendent and  advanced  investigators  certain  ques- 
tions relating  to  the  origin  of  the  human  race 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AN    INSTITUTION  15 

are  considered  to  be  unsolved.  Such  are  the 
questions  of  the  manner,  and  the  place,  and  the 
time  of  the  race's  beginning,  the  origin  of  the 
various  languages,  etc.  Then,  passing  on  a  little 
farther,  the  beginning  of  the  family  is  placed 
among  these  unsolved  problems,  and  as  one  of 
the  most  interesting  and  important.  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Thwing,  in  their  valuable  work,  "The  Family  :  An 
Historical  and  Social  Study,"  state  the  whole  ques- 
tion briefly,  thus :  "  Was  the  family  the  original  unit 
of  the  social  economy  ;  or  is  it,  as  a  distinguished 
ethnologist  has  remarked,  the  'product  of  a  vast 
and  varied  experience '  ?  Was  the  primal  condi- 
tion of  men  and  women  communistic,  whence  has 
gradually  arisen  the  modern  family  ;  or  was  that 
condition  one  in  which  separate  and  distinct  pairs 
of  human  beings,  of  opposite  sex,  were  recognized? 
Students  of  prehistoric  times  belong  in  general 
to  one  of  the  two  classes  suggested  by  these  ques- 
tions. They  hold  either  that  communism  of  the 
sexes  was  the  archaic  state,  or  that  some  sort  of 
family  first  existed.  In  support  of  each  of  these 
views  is  evidence." 

This  statement  of  diverse  views  respecting  this 
point  is  not  introduced  because  of  any  inclination 
on  the  part  of  any  of  us  to  look  upon  it  as  an 
"  unsolved  problem,"  but  to  broaden  our  view  of 


16  THE    FAMILY 

this  great  question.  There  is  here,  too,  the 
solemnly  significant  and  practical  suggestion,  If 
not  the  family,  then  what  ? 

But  it  is  a  fact  that  the  family  is  the  first  social 
institution  we  find  in  historical  investigations — no 
history,  no  facts,  only  speculations,  carrying  us 
back  of  this  recognized  human  condition.  The 
family  is  found,  in  all  candid  historical  researches, 
to  exist  as  the  original  social  type  and  unit. 
While  Moses  does  not  need  the  support  of  the 
ethnologists  of  the  nineteenth  century  in  corrobo- 
ration of  his  statements,  yet  it  is  interesting  to 
know  that  such  thinkers  as  Herbert  Spencer,  Sir 
Henry  Maine,  and  Charles  Darwin  are  not  sure 
but  that  the  family,  pure  and  simple,  may  have 
existed  from  the  very  beginning  of  the  human 
race.  That  primitive  times  were  characterized 
by  much  departure  from  this  social  rule  is,  of 
course,  also  a  well-known  historical  fact. 

In  our  Christian  view,  the  family  is  a  divine 
institution,  established,  as.  says  Christ,  "at  the 
beginning."  In  his  reply  to  the  Pharisees,  Christ 
said,  in  interpretation  and  expansion  of  Moses' 
account  of  the  creation  and  marriage  of  the  first 
pair:  "Have  ye  not  read,  that  he  which  made 
them  at  the  beginning  made  them  male  and 
female,  and  said,  For  this  cause  shall  a  man  leave 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AN    INSTITUTION  17 

father  and  mother,  and  shall  cleave  to  his  wife : 
and  they  twain  shall  be  one  flesh?  Wherefore 
they  are  no  more  twain,  but  one  flesh.  What 
therefore  God  hath  joined  together,  let  not  man 
put  asunder."  Thus  are  marriage  and  the  family 
of  divine  appointment,  and  not  the  creation  of 
society  or  civil  law.  They  were  instituted  before 
there  was  any  society,  and  as  the  basis  of 
society.  The  relation  of  society  and  civil  law  to 
marriage  and  the  family  is  that  of  recognition 
and  proper  regulation,  and  this  relation  is  by  no 
means  unimportant.  Thus,  w^hile  the  family  is 
in  an  important  sense  a  human  institution,  it  is 
not  an  institution  of  human  origination,  or,  as 
Morgan  says,  the  "product  of  a  vast  and  varied 
experience." 

The  family  has  its  basis  in  marriage ;  without 
it  the  family  cannot  exist.  "  For  this  cause  shall 
a  man  leave  father  and  mother,  and  shall  cleave 
to  his  wife :  and  they  twain  shall  be  one  flesh." 
Marriage  is  established  upon  two  foundations — the 
natural  basis  in  sex,  and  the  spiritual  basis  in 
affection.  The  spiritual  basis  is  the  exclusive 
affection  of  two  persons  of  opposite  sex  for  each 
other,  and  is  supreme  and  complete.  "It  is  an 
affection  of  soul  for  soul,  of  mind  for  mind,  of 
body  for  body.     Thus  marriage  is,  as  Milton  re- 


18  THE    FAMILY 

marks,  the  highest  form  of  human  society."  The 
divine  purpose  of  marriage  is  chiefly  "the  con- 
tinuance of  the  race,  the  protection  and  the  training 
of  children,  and  the  development  of  the  charac- 
ter of  the  husband  and  wife."  The  race  might 
have  been  perpetuated  without  the  bonds  of  wed- 
lock, but  the  mere  continuance  of  the  race  is  not 
the  only  aim  of  marriage.  Its  chief  purpose  is 
to  perpetuate  the  race  under  the  best  possible  con- 
ditions, to  develop  the  race,  to  ennoble  it.  The 
offspring  needs  the  nurture  and  training  of  the 
home.  Further,  not  the  general  sexual  instinct 
of  the  race,  but  the  pure,  exclusive  affection  of 
two  of  opposite  sex  for  each  other,  is  the  only  true 
basis  of  parentage.  This  saves  humanity  from 
bestiahty.  This  develops  not  lust,  but  love. 
This  makes  the  family.  And  also,  within  the 
home,  under  the  influence  of  the  mutual  needs 
and  obligations,  the  necessary  self-sacrifice  and 
self-surrender,  of  the  marriage  relation,  is  formed 
the  strongest  and  purest  type  of  manhood  and 
w^omanhood.  We  may  therefore  assuredly  know 
that  to  promote  the  purity  and  happiness  of  the 
race  he  had  created  was  the  wise  and  benevolent 
purpose  of  God  in  the  institution  of  marriage  and 
the  family. 
Says  Bishop,  in  his  work, "  Marriage  and  Divorce" : 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AN    INSTITUTION  19 

"By  whatsoever  reasoning  we  arrive  at  the  con- 
ckision  that  marriage  is,  as  often  expressed,  a 
divine  institution,  the  trutli  tliat  it  is  such — or,  in 
other  words,  that  it  is  a  parcel  of  the  wisdom 
which  entered  into  the  creation  of  man — is  palpa- 
ble, and  is  generally  acknowledged.  Commencing 
with  the  race,  and  attending  man  in  all  periods 
and  in  all  countries  of  his  existence,  this  institu- 
tion of  marriage  has  ever  been  considered  the 
particular  glory  of  the  social  system.  .  .  .  But  for 
it,  all  that  is  valuable,  virtuous,  and  desirable  in 
human  existence  would  long  since  have  faded 
away  in  a  general  retrograde  of  the  race,  and  in 
the  perilous  darkness  in  which  its  joys  and  hopes 
would  have  been  wrecked  together.  And  as  man 
has  gone  up  in  the  path  of  his  improvement  .  .  . 
still  has  this  institution  of  marriage  .  .  .  remained 
the  first  among  the  institutions  of  human  society." 

The  history  of  the  family  is  one  of  the  most 
fruitful  and  instructive  fields  in  all  historical 
study,  and  I  would  commend  it  to  every  minister, 
especially,  as  important  in  furnishing  broad  and 
intelligent  views  of  the  central  place  the  family 
holds  in  everything  that  molds  social  institutions 
and  tends  to  human  good — or  to  human  ill. 

The  student  in  this  field  will  be  much  inter- 
ested, and   perhaps  surprised,  to  learn  that  the 


20  THE    FAMILY 

differences  in  customs,  politics,  and  religion  which 
distinguish  the  two  great  historic  branches  of  the 
race,  the  Semitic  and  Ar3^an,  are  largely  due  to 
the  difference  in  the  family  life.  In  the  Semitic 
group  we  have  the  Hebrews,  Phoenicians,  Syrians, 
Arabs,  and  Babylonians ;  in  the  Aryan  are  em- 
braced the  Persian,  Indian,  Greek,  Latin,  Slavonic, 
Teuton,  and  Celtic  races.  Here  are  two  great 
types  of  human  thought  and  life. 

A  summarizing  paragraph  by  an  able  writer 
will  be  instructive  here :  "  In  these  two  great 
races,  then,  the  Semitic  and  the  Aryan,  we  find 
at  an  early  period  the  family  as  the  type  of  the 
social  structure.  But  the  Semitic  family  and 
the  Aryan  are  founded  upon  different  principles 
and  pursue  different  methods.  The  Semitic 
family  is  patriarchal,  the  Aryan  is  individual; 
one  makes  the  father  the  unit,  the  other  makes 
the  family  itself  the  unit ;  one  is  polygamous,  in 
the  other  monogamy  prevails ;  one  gives  all  duties 
to  women,  the  other  gives  some  duties  to  men 
and  some  rights  to  women.  The  patriarchal 
Semitic  system  is  the  germ  of  the  monarchy ;  the 
Aryan  family  is  the  beginning  of  the  political 
commonwealth."  Thus  do  we  to-day,  of  Teuton 
and  Celtic  blood,  trace  the  germs  of  the  social  and 
civil  institutions  of  Europe  and  America  back  to 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AN    INSTITUTION  21 

the  distinctive  family  life  of  our  Aryan  forefathers 
as  developed  in  the  remote  past,  when,  before 
their  migration,  they  yet  had  their  home  in  the 
table-land  of  central  Asia. 

Valuable  lessons  are  gained  in  the  study  of  the 
family  among  the  Greeks  and  Romans,  and  also 
among  the  Jews.  Among  the  Greeks  and 
Romans  there  was  much  in  their  family  life  to 
commend,  especially  in  their  earlier  national  life. 
With  both  peoples  the  family  was  a  religious  in- 
stitution, and  marriage  a  most  solemn  and  sacred 
rite.  In  later  times,  however,  the  constancy  of 
husbands  and  wives  became  w^eakened ;  divorce, 
once  very  rare,  became  first  frequent,  then  com- 
mon, the  family  was  debased,  parentage  dis- 
counted, and  children  neglected. 

In  Rome,  especially,  domestic  purity  and  peace 
were  undermined.  Loose  views  of  the  family 
prevailed  among  all  classes.  Sylla,  Csesar,  An- 
tony, and  Augustus  repudiated  their  wives ;  and 
so  upright  a  man  as  Cicero,  for  no  just  cause, 
divorced  his  wife  of  thirty  years  and  married  his 
ward,  a  young  and  wealthy  woman,  from  whom 
again  speedily  he  was  divorced.  The  subsequent 
social  and  civil  history  of  Rome  can  be  written 
in  one  short  sentence.  With  the  fall  of  the  Ro- 
man family  fell  Rome. 


22  THE    FAMILY 

Among  the  Hebrews,  as  among  all  Semitic  peo- 
ples, polygamy  was  the  great  crime  against  the 
family.  While  not  countenanced  by  the  teaching 
of  Moses,  it  was  quite  common  in  the  earlier 
history  of  the  nation,  and  wherever  practiced 
left  its  blighting  influence.  It  was,  however, 
little  known  after  the  captivity,  and  before 
Christ's  time  had  disappeared.  But  withal, 
among  the  Jews  marriage  and  the  family  have  ever 
held  a  first  place ;  and  the  mutual  relations  of 
husband  and  wife,  and  of  parents  and  children, 
have  been  given  greater  attention  than  among 
any  other  people  of  the  earth.  And  what  intel- 
ligent student  of  human  affairs  can  fail  to  see  in 
the  preservation  of  the  Jewish  family  the  marvel- 
ous preservation  of  the  Jewish  people  ? 

But  the  true  conception  of  marriage  and  of  the 
family  was  never  reached  until  the  dawn  of 
Christianity.  Christ  places  them  on  the  original 
basis.  While  upon  most  matters  affecting  society 
he  only  laid  down  principles,  respecting  the  in- 
stitution of  marriage  he  lays  down  a  definite  rule. 
It  is  clear,  from  his  Sermon  on  the  Mount  and 
teaching  recorded  elsewhere,  that  in  his  judgment 
only  fornication,  or  its  moral  equivalent,  is  suffi- 
cient cause  for  the  dissolution  of  the  marriage 
relation.     Also,  in  every  feature  Christ  gave  to 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AN    INSTITUTION  23 

the  family  higher  ideals;  first,  respecting  the 
mutual  relation  and  the  personal  equality  of 
husband  and  wife,  then  just  conceptions  of 
parental  duties  and  proper  ideas  of  the  duties  of 
children ;  and  so  was  the  home  made  indeed  the 
type  of  the  heavenly  kingdom  of  God. 

Time  will  not  allow  me  to  dwell  upon  the 
influences  in  the  heathen  world,  and  also  other 
tendencies  soon  developed  in  the  early  church 
itself, — such  as  the  praise  given  to  celibacy,  etc., 
— which  cast  a  shadow  over  the  family  and 
for  centuries  weakened  its  influence  among  all 
classes.  The  importance  of  the  blow  struck  by 
the  Reformers  against  the  celibacy  of  the  clergy, 
and  indirectly  against  the  corruption  and  false 
popular  opinions  which  were  bearing  down  with 
fearful  weight  against  pure  family  life,  can  hardly 
be  realized  at  this  distance.  Wifehood,  mother- 
hood, and  fatherhood, — the  family, — long  dis- 
counted and  well-nigh  undermined,  were  rescued 
and  started  on  their  way  to  the  recovery  of  their 
true  place,  and  European  institutions  were  saved 
from  rotting  down  in  medieval  corruption. 

The  family  is,  if  possible,  seen  more  clearly  by 
each  succeeding  generation  to  be  the  great  con- 
server  of  human  good ;  and,  among  those  who 
are  its  true  friends  and  the  especial  subjects  of  its 


24  THE    FAMILY 

blessings,  its  character  and  type  are  nearer  the 
true  Christian  ideal  than  ever  before.  No  true 
statesman,  philanthropist,  or  Christian  hesitates 
for  a  moment  to  pronounce  the  family  to  be  the 
very  basis  of  social  order,  the  foundation  of  the 
social  fabric ;  none  question  its  essential  relation 
to  true  religion,  and  all  agree  that  without  it  there 
is  no  chastity  possible,  no  domestic  felicity,  no 
home  for  man ;  that  with  the  family  destroyed, 
there  would  be  moral  and  social  chaos  on  every 
hand. 

So  the  preservation  of  the  family  and  its 
advancement  to  the  highest  possible  standard 
should  stand  first  in  the  thought  and  foremost 
in  the  aim  of  every  lover  of  his  race.  So  it 
becomes  us  both  to  study  the  methods  for  its  true 
promotion  and  also  to  guard  it  against  the 
dangers  which  threaten  it. 

In  now  calling  attention  to  the  influences 
which  imperil  the  home,  I  need  not  raise  the 
cry  of  alarm  against  defunct  propositions  and 
schemes  in  which  it  has  been  attempted  to  estab- 
lish the  social  fabric  upon  other  foundations  than 
that  of  the  family;  as  the  bold  and  daring  concep- 
tion of  Plato,  in  his  Republic,  of  a  community 
of  wives  and  children  with  public  hymeneals,  a 
conception  revived  in  1623  by  the  Italian  philoso- 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AX    INSTITUTION  25 

pher  Campanella,  in  his  "City  of  the  Sun";  or 
the  wild  Utopia  of  Sir  Thomas  More;  or  the 
New  Athmtis  of  Bacon ;  or  in  our  century  and 
our  own  country  the  Shaker  and  Rappite  move- 
ments founded  on  ceUbacy,  a  little  community  of 
whom,  called  Shakertown,  now  about  extinct,  is 
situated  a  few  miles  southeast  of  our  city;  and  the 
communistic  efforts  led  by  Owen  in  Indiana  in 
1824,  and  the  movement  of  Fourier  and  his  fol- 
lowers in  1842,  having  communities  in  different 
States,  and  the  famous  Oneida  Community  in  New' 
York,  all  now  either  extinct  or  in  the  last  stages 
of  decline.  Those  which  still  linger  have  been 
compelled  by  tlie  demand  of  aroused  public  senti- 
ment to  abandon,  at  least  in  profession,  sexual 
communism ;  and  they  have,  as  they  proclaim,  in 
deference  to  public  sentiment  placed  themselves 
on  a  platform  which  allows  marriage,  but  prefers 
celibacy.  These  schemes  all  interest  us,  however, 
in  this  connection,  not  because  of  their  commun- 
ism in  the  common  significance  of  the  word, — 
a  community  of  material  goods, — but  because  the 
one  feature  common  to  them  all  is  that  they 
abolish  the  individual  family.  They  eventually 
are  ranged  under  two  classes,  advocating  at  one 
extreme  celibacy,  at  the  other  free-love,  each 
and  all  abrogating  marriage  and  abolishing  the 


26  THE    FAMILY 

family,  annihilating  the  home,  and  destroying 
domestic  life. 

So  far  as  I  am  aware,  there  does  not  now  exist, 
either  in  theory  or  in  practical  avowed  effort, 
anywhere  in  Christendom  any  system,  aside  from 
the  dying  remnants  named,  proposing  itself  as  a 
rival  of  the  family  in  the  field  of  a  basis  for  the 
social  order.  Nor  does  it  seem  probable  that  any 
further  efforts  in  this  direction  will  ever  be 
attempted,  so  widely  and  so  deeply  has  the  idea, 
the  divine  idea,  of  the  family  established  itself 
among  the  more  enlightened  peoples  of  the  race. 
And  for  this  great  triumph  there  is  reason  for 
gratitude,  and  cause  also  for  strong  hope  for 
growing  human  advancement  and  happiness. 

But  there  are  influences  and  tendencies  within 
the  family,  entertained  along  with  the  idea  of 
marriage,  family,  and  home,  which  are  not  only 
out  of  harmony  with  it,  but  at  variance  with  and 
destructive  of  it. 

We  have  seen  that  marriage — the  constancy, 
unbroken  and  lifelong,  of  husband  and  wife,  true 
wedlock — is  at  the  foundation  of  the  family.  It 
is  a  ftict,  too,  most  painful  to  see,  that  right  at  its 
foundation  is  where  the  institution  of  the  family 
is  being  assailed.  The  breaking  of  marriage  vows, 
with  the  wreck  of  families  by  divorce,  is  both 


THE    FAMILY    AS    AN    INSTITUTION  27 

the  peril  and  the  shame  of  modern  society.  This 
evil  prevails  throughout  the  civilized  world,  and 
evidently  with  steady  if  not  rapid  increase. 
Facts  and  figures  are  about  the  only  channel 
through  which  to  bring  the  situation  before  us. 
Would  that  there  need  be  no  divorce  courts,  no 
books  on  the  law  of  divorce ;  or,  if  these  must 
be,  would  that  the  demand  for  them  were  a 
thousand  times  less. 

Saying  nothing  about  the  various  countries  of 
Europe,  whose  statistics  upon  marriage  and  divorce 
tell  a  sad  story  and  bode  evil,  let  us,  as  Amer- 
ican citizens  and  American  ministers,  look  at  the 
situation  among  our  own  people.  I  find  that  in 
the  different  States  the  ratio  of  divorces  to 
marriages  ranges  from  one  to  ten  to  one  to  fifty- 
six.  Think  of  this  for  a  moment.  In  Ohio,  for 
the  year  closing  June  30,  1891,  there  were  33,890 
marriages  and  2,544  divorces ;  about  1  divorce  to 
13  marriages.  During  the  ten  years  closing  June 
30,  1891,  there  were  in  this  State  19,622  divorces ; 
in  the  United  States  400,000.  During  the  year 
closing  June  30,  1892,  there  were  in  Montgomery 
County,  Ohio  (our  county),  1,002  marriages  and 
76  divorces — 1  divorce  to  about  13  marriages. 
What  wreck  of  homes  ! 

Within   the    last    six    weeks,   in   our   city,   a 


28  THE    FAMILY 

man,  recently  prominent  in  public  affairs,  and 
the  wife  in  another  family,  prominent  in  the 
community,  were  taken  in  adultery  ;  both  got  a 
divorce  in  our  court  and  within  ten  days  were 
married  ;  two  families  destroyed,  and  out  of  their 
ruins  another  supposed  to  be  made! — all  done 
within  a  month!  And  as  I  have  stated,  the 
alarming  thing  is  that  all  this  is  going  on  with 
the  idea  of  marriage  and  the  home  ostensibly 
maintained ;  is  all  done  by  the  very  civil  order 
through  which  marriage  is  supposed  to  be  regu- 
lated and  preserved !  This,  this,  I  repeat,  is  the 
peril  of  the  situation,  that  all  this  wreck  and  ruin 
is  accomplished  in  a  regular,  legal  way,  and 
apparently  in  harmony  with  public  sentiment. 

I  have  not  time,  gentlemen,  to  trace  the  causes 
of  all  this  :  whether  it  be  the  extreme  individual- 
ism of  our  time,  by  which  the  person  is  so  mag- 
nified as,  it  would  seem,  to  lift  him  almost  above 
the  most  sacred  relations  to  others,  and  the  family 
as  a  unit  is  discounted  and  thus  degraded  below 
its  essential  and  God -ordained  place ;  whether  it 
be  because  marriage  is  now  more  a  secular  than  a 
religious  institution ;  or  whether  we  are  to  throw 
the  blame  at  the  door  of  our  loose  dis^orce  laws. 
Nor  can  I  enter  upon  the  discussion  of  the  rem- 
edies.    But  these  points  I  leave  with  you  to  in- 


THE    FAMILY    AS   AN    INSTITUTION  29 

vestigate ;  and  with  you  I  would  also  and  espe- 
cially leave  this  fact, — and  leave  it,  if  I  could,  as  a 
deep  impression, — that  you,  as  ministers  of  the 
gospel,  are  the  first,  the  God-appointed,  guardians 
of  the  family. 


CHAPTER  II. 

SECOND    LECTURE THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE    AND 

THEIR     RELATIONS. 

Gentlemen  of  the  Seminary: — 

You  will  remember  that  the  special  subject  to 
which  we  gave  attention  some  weeks  ago,  as  the 
thought  fundamental  to  this  whole  question  of 
good  order  in  the  family,  was  "  The  Family  as  an 
Institution."  We  glanced  at  its  origin  (divine 
origin),  its  fundamental  basis  (marriage);  we 
touched  upon  its  history,  noted  its  relation  to  the 
social  order  as  its  very  basis,  and  named  some  of  its 
chief  perils.  I  am  pursuaded  that  even  so  brief 
and  imperfect  a  view  as  we  took  of  our  subject 
increased  our  interest  in  it,  and  deepened  our  im- 
pression respecting  the  vital  relation  of  the  family 
to  every  human  good,  and  helped  each  one  of  us  as 
ministers  of  the  gospel  and  the  custodians  of  divine 
institutions,  if  possible,  to  a  more  intelligent  and 
more  intense  realization  of  our  special  responsi- 
bility in  the  maintenance  of  the  family  and  the 
elevation  of  the  family  life  among  tlie  people. 

We  are  now  prepared  for  the  more  practical 
30 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  31 

features  of  the  subject.  As  a  simple  but  com- 
prehensive heading  under  which  the  various 
topics  that  claim  attention  may  be  ranged,  let 
this  be  named  :  "The  Individual  Members  of  the 
Family  and  Their  Relations." 

But  just  here,  first,  let  us  consider  what  sort 
of  a  family,  what  type  of  family  life,  we  as  minis- 
ters should  have  before  us  as  the  ideal,  and 
should  strive  to  secure.  Before  the  "individual 
members  of  the  family"  what  should  we  place  as 
the  proper  fulfilling  of  "their  relations"?  Upon 
this  prime  matter  there  should  be  but  one  senti- 
ment ;  that  is,  the  Christian  family  must  be  our 
ideal,  in  which  every  relation  is  held  as  sacred, 
and  all  duties  are  faithfully  performed  according 
to  the  will  and  in  the  fear  of  God.  There  are 
many  families  which  are  in  a  sense  good,  yet  are 
not  godly.  Many  homes  are  highly  respectable 
that  are  not  Christian — pohshed,  but  not  pious. 
In  many  others  religion  has  professed  recognition, 
but  is  given  a  secondary  place — the  household 
gods  are  set  in  the  corner.  There  is  a  great  deal 
of  such  family  life  all  about  us,  absolutely  with- 
out private  reproach,  where  undivided  affection 
and  domestic  peace  reign.  Such  a  family,  we 
are  told,  was  that  of  the  late  Jay  Gould,  where 
the  husband  and  father  was  especially  considerate, 


32  THE    FAMILY 

true,  and  kind.  In  the  estimation  of  many, 
families  of  this  kind  are  model  families,  theirs  is 
the  true  family  life.  But  can  a  Christian  min- 
ister look  upon  such  family  regulations  and  life 
as  fulfilling  God's  purposes  in  the  household? 
Assuredly  not.  No  home,  however  orderly  and 
refined,  is  what  God  would  have  it  and  what  he 
would  delight  to  make  it  without  his  worship  and 
love.  So  in  all  our  reflections  and  suggestions 
here,  and  in  all  our  efforts  to  make  the  home  life 
of  our  people  and  of  all  people  better,  we  should 
think  and  plan  and  work  from  the  standpoint  of 
the  Christian  family. 

And  now,  again,  the  delicacy  of  this  entire  mat- 
ter of  having  to  do  with  the  family  affairs  of 
people  is  felt  by  every  minister.  These  matters 
are  recognized  as  domestic,  as  private,  as  personal. 
But  are  not  almost  all  questions  of  practical  reli- 
gion quite  personal,  and  private,  and  indeed 
domestic  in  their  final  true  application?  And 
here,  as  everywhere,  in  the  serious  business  of  ful- 
filling our  duties  as  the  guardians  and  physicians 
of  souls,  the  sense  of  duty  must  overbalance  even 
the  sense  of  delicacy.  This,  also,  is  a  fact  which 
should  give  every  faithful  minister  encouragement 
and  humble  boldness  in  his  efforts  in  behalf  of 
the  homes  of  his  people,  namely :   that  no  other 


THE   HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  33 

man,  not  even  the  family  physician,  is  received 
into  such  intimate  rehitions  and  close  confidence 
in  the  family  as  is  its  pastor;  and  so  his  public 
teachings  and  private  counsels  in  behalf  of  the 
family  welfare  are  given  kind  and  considerate 
attention,  and  accorded  no  ordinary  weight.  But 
further,  to  a  great  extent,  the  more  private  and 
supposedly  embarrassing  features  of  his  duty  are 
obviated  by  the  minister  giving  instructions  upon 
these  matters  faithfully  from  his  pulpit.  The 
people,  we  may  hope,  will,  in  respect  to  their  home 
and  private  affairs,  as  in  respect  to  other  practical 
matters,  make  for  themselves  the  application. 

As  we  now  turn  our  attention  to  the  members 
of  the  family,  the  first  to  enter  our  minds  are  the 
husband  and  wife.  The  uniting  of  two  in  these 
relations  makes  a  family.  A  family  may,  by  and 
by,  comprise  more ;  it  cannot,  in  its  beginning, 
comprise  less.  And  ever,  whatever  its  numbers, 
from  its  founding  to  its  final  breaking  up,  the 
family  takes  its  spirit  and  type  from  those  whose 
marital  vows  and  relations  constitute  it.  So  let 
us  take  "The  Husband  and  Wife  and  Their  Rela- 
tions" for  a  topic  at  this  hour.  The  ruin  and 
destruction  of  the  tree  of  the  family  by  the  sev- 
ering of  its  double  trunk  were  referred  to  in  our 
first  paper.     This  question  of  the  true  relation 


34  THE    FAMILY 

of  husband  and  wife  is  so  vital,  and  the  failure  to 
recognize  it  so  fraught  with  disaster,  that  it  calls 
for  more  than  a  single  and  passing  notice. 

Mr.  Bishop,  a  leading  writer  upon  this  subject, 
says  :  "  The  nature  of  the  marriage  state  does 
not  admit  of  its  being  the  subject  of  experimental 
and  temporary  arrangements  and  fleeting  part- 
nerships. The  union  is,  and  should  be,  for  life. 
It  is  so  equally  in  reason,  in  the  common  senti- 
ments of  mankind,  and  in  the  teachings  of 
religion.  No  married  partner  should  desert  the 
other,  commit  adultery,  beat  or  otherwise  abuse 
the  other,  or  forbear  to  do  all  that  is  possible  for 
the  sustenance  and  happiness  of  the  other  and 
of  the  entire  family.  Figuratively  speaking,  the 
two  should  walk  hand  in  hand  up  the  steeps 
of  life  and  down  its  declivities  and  green  slopes, 
then  lay  themselves  together  for  the  final  sleep 
at  the  foot  of  the  hill.  Consequently,  there  should 
be  no  divorces,  no  divorce  courts,  no  books  on 
the  law  of  divorce.  In  Utopia  it  will  be  so ;  it 
ought  to  be  so  in  our  own  country." 

This  condition  is  far  enough  from  being  real- 
ized in  this  or  any  other  land.  On  the  other 
hand,  the  tendency  to  looseness  of  the  marriage 
relation  is  recognized  by  all.  Passing  over  the 
legal   and   business   and   social   phases  that  are 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  35 

evidently  connected,  both  as  causes  and  again  as 
proposed  remedies,  let  us  note  what  interests  us 
as  ministers. 

One  of  the  chief  causes  of  this  condition  is  the 
secularization  of  marriage.  It  has  been,  especially 
among  Protestants,  largely  divested  of  its  religious 
character.  Hence,  with  many  people,  the  concep- 
tion of  the  marriage  relation  is  not  clear  as  to 
whether  it  is  a  state  or  a  contract,  many  evidently 
leaning  to  the  idea  of  a  contract. 

But  real  Christianity  has  ever,  in  keeping  with 
the  teaching  of  its  Founder,  not  only  held  it  to  be 
a  state,  but  has  invested  marriage  and  the  cere- 
mony of  marriage  with  a  religious  character. 
Even  among  the  ancient  heathen  nations  it 
partook  of  the  nature  of  a  religious  service — and 
that  of  the  most  solemn  character.  And  yet  we 
know  that,  notwithstanding  the  measure  of  the 
religious  which  people  generally,  along  with  their 
ministers,  connect  with  marriage,  the  sense  of  its 
peculiarly  sacred  character  is  not  very  deep-seated. 
And  our  modern  divorce  legislation  is  the  product, 
or  rather  the  expression,  of  this  loose  and  perverted 
conception.  "It  does  not  in  the  least  recognize 
any  peculiarly  sacred  character  in  the  institution." 

Our  duty  is  clear  to  seek  to  make  matrimony 
indeed  a  "  holy  estate."    Whenever  this  relation  is 


36  THE    FAMILY 

named  by  us  in  our  public  ministrations,  in  either 
sermon  or  prayer,  let  it  be  in  language  and  spirit 
unmistakable;  that  both  those  who  are  married 
and  those  who  contemplate  marriage  may  have 
a  clear  view  of  it  as  "God's  ordinance."  And 
especially,  both  our  bearing  and  our  words  when 
solemnizing  matrimony  should  tend  to  make 
the  service  sacred  and  solemn,  while  at  the  same 
time  joyous. 

Upon  this  question  we  must  confess  that  the  Ro- 
man Catholic  Church  has  been  rather  more  faithful 
in  both  teaching  and  practice  than  the  Protestant. 
To  the  teaching  of  the  Church  of  Rome  that  mar- 
riage is  a  "  sacrament "  we  of  course  cannot  assent ; 
but  we  can  and  should  learn  from  the  Catholic 
Church  some  lessons  in  insisting  more  strongly 
upon  the  sacred  and  binding  relation  between 
husband  and  wife.  We  as  Protestants,  and  espe- 
cially as  Protestant  ministers,  should,  in  loyalty 
to  the  teaching  of  Christ  and  to  the  historic  spirit 
and  symbols  of  Protestantism,  more  thoroughly 
surround  matrimony  with  religious  sanctions ; 
should  insist  upon  its  being  much  more  than  a 
contract — that  it  bears  also  sacred  relations  to 
society  and  to  God ;  and  should  in  every  possible 
way  emphasize  the  religious  elements  of  marriage. 

The  wise  choice  of  a  companion  is  a  matter  of 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  37 

first  importance  in  its  bearing  upon  the  happi- 
ness of  the  family.  "  But  what  has  a  preacher  to 
do  with  people's  courtships,"  say  you,  "either  pro 
or  con  ?  Is  he  to  engage  in  the  match-making 
or  match-breaking  business?"  No.  Nor  is  he 
to  become  a  lecturer  on  "Courtship  and  Mar- 
riage." He  is  simply  to  be  a  faithful  overseer  of 
his  flock,  jealously  watching  over  their  spiritual 
interests;  and  in  so  doing  he  will  assuredly  find 
himself  deeply  concerned,  and  that  quite  fre- 
quently, in  the  life  companionships  his  people 
are  making.  Harmony  of  view  and  of  profession 
and  life  on  moral  and  religious  matters  is  a  prime 
essential  to  the  harmony  and  happiness  of  a  home. 

The  Word  of  God,  the  good  judgment  of  the 
thoughtful,  and  experience,  all  unite  in  teach- 
ing that  a  Christian  should  choose  for  a  compan- 
ion, not  a  worldly  person,  a  non-professor,  but 
a  Christian.  "Be  ye  not  unequally  yoked  to- 
gether with  unbelievers." 

What  is  popularly  called  "mixed  marriages," 
that  is,  in  short,  the  marriage  of  Protestants  with 
Catholics,  is  almost  always  the  source  of  evil  to 
the  souls  of  both,  and  of  discord  in  the  family. 
Often  such  marriages  are  entered  into  with  the 
condition  imposed  by  one  party  that  the  other 
shall    renounce    the    former    religious    life   and 


38  THE    FAMILY 

make  special  promises  concerning  the  religious  con- 
nection of  the  children,  and  this  condition  is  stren- 
uously sought  and  far  most  frequently  secured  on 
the  Catholic  side ;  or  frequently  there  is  a  tacit 
agreement  that  each  shall  go  his  or  her  own  way 
as  to  religion  and  church  connection.  Here  is  a 
bad  start, — almost  wholly  bad,  whatever  the  agree- 
ment has  been, — and  it  is  bound  to  go  from  bad 
to  worse.  As  for  themselves,  they  each  and  both 
become  discouraged  and  indifferent  in  respect  to 
religious  duties,  and  after  for  a  time  either  both 
attending  worship  where  one  is  really  not  a  wor- 
shiper, or  each  going  his  or  her  lonely  way  to  a 
separate  church,  both  go  nowhere  to  worship,  and 
religious  antagonism  has  resulted  in  religious 
death.  And  with  the  birth  of  the  first  child  the 
case  has  only  become  more  perplexing.  Instead 
of  the  loved  product  of  their  affection  being,  as 
God  designed,  the  cause  of  their  even  closer  union, 
it  becomes  the  occasion,  first,  of  dispute,  and  so 
often,  finally,  of  cruel  estrangement.  "What 
shall  be  its  religious  training?"  is  the  question. 
"Shall  it  go  with  father  or  with  mother — be  Cath- 
olic or  Protestant?"  If  promises  were  made  at 
the  demand  of  the  priest  at  marriage,  these  are 
recalled,  perhaps  to  be  repudiated  by  one  and 
insisted   upon   by   the    other.     Or  if,  by  mutual 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  39 

consent,  religion  and  church  were  set  aside  at 
marriage,  so  now  the  rehgious  training  of  the 
child  is  let  go  by  default.  But  whether  with 
the  children  it  be  religiously  this  way  or  that 
way,  or,  as  I  have  known,  a  divided  way,  for  a 
time,  after  fifteen  or  twenty  or  thirty  years  have 
passed  let  it  be  asked,  "What  are  the  children  of 
such  and  such  families,  religiously?"  and  nine 
cases  out  of  ten  the  reply  will  be,  "  Oh,  you  know 
that  those  families  were  divided  on  church  mat- 
ters, and  the  fact  is,  their  children  are  nothing." 
AVe  are  aware  that  Rome  has  a  close  eye  on 
this  matter,  and  by  manipulations  at  marriage, 
where  her  priests  succeed  in  controlling  this  part, 
and  afterward  through  the  confessional,  even  at 
the  cost  of  domestic  felicity,  she  holds  a  close  grip 
on  what  she  has  and  what  she  claims  as  rightful 
gains.  But  generally,  as  we  have  seen,  it  is  not 
Eome,  or  Protestantism,  but  the  devil,  that  gets 
the  best  of  these  unwise  and  unrighteous  bargains. 
Here  I  speak  from  personal  observation,  and  could 
give  facts  that  might  startle  you,  and  which  would 
certainly  impress  the  point  I  urge.  So,  if  we  as 
ministers  would  see  our  people  become  the  found- 
ers of  true  and  happy  homes,  and  would  save 
them  to  spiritual  life  and  true  religion,  and  to 
the  church  and  to  heaven,  and  save  also  their 


40  THE   FAMILY 

children  with  them  and  after  them,  we  must  be 
ahve  to  the  duty  of  saving  them  from  mixed 
marriages.  To  thus  beheve  and  do  is  not  ilhberal 
and  un-American;  it  is  wise,  and  the  more  ex- 
tended our  observation  and  investigation  the  more 
clear  and  fixed  become  our  convictions  respecting 
this  matter.  Through  private  ways,  chiefly  in 
the  homes  of  our  people,  and  with  the  young 
people  themselves,  we  can^  as  occasion  demands, 
give  advice  respecting  this  subject,  now  becoming 
more  and  more  a  live  question  in  this  country, 
and  especially  in  our  cities. 

But  what  shall  be  said  respecting  the  much 
more  common,  the  very  common,  marriage  of 
Christians  with  the  ordinary  unregenerate  people 
of  the  world  ?  May  not  Scripture  teachings  help 
us  to  a  correct  position  relative  to  this?  What 
is  the  will  of  God  respecting  the  family  alliances 
of  his  people  ?  Also  may  not  experience  help  us 
to  wisely  apply  Scripture  and  come  to  a  correct 
judgment?  What  is  the  influence  of  marital 
union  with  the  ungodly  by  Christians  upon  their 
own  spiritual  life,  and  upon  the  general  spiritual 
life  of  the  church? 

Turning  to  Scripture,  we  find  the  principle  of 
separation  from  the  people  of  the  world  applied 
in   the    parent   family    of    God's   chosen   people. 


thp:  husband  and  wife  41 

Note  the  care  of  Abraham  to  have  his  son  Isaac 
not  take  a  wife  of  the  daughters  of  the  Canaan- 
ites,  among  whom  he  dwelt,  but  to  marry  within 
the  circle  of  his  own  people.  Isaac  and  Rebekah, 
being  deeply  grieved  at  the  marriage  of  Esau 
with  the  daughters  of  Heth,  contrary  to  the  family 
tradition,  purposed  most  positively  to  have  Jacob 
kept  from  the  snare,  and  the  family  line  kept 
pure.  The  family  decision  was,  "  Thou  shalt  not 
take  a  wife  of  the  daughters  of  Canaan,"  but  "  of 
the  daughters  of  Laban  thy  mother's  brother." 
This  patriarchal  regulation  was  made  a  law  by 
Moses,  governing  relations  with  the  people  of 
Canaan.  "Neither  shalt  thou  make  marriages 
with  them;  thy  daughter  thou  shalt  not  give  unto 
his  son,  nor  his  daughter  shalt  thou  take  unto  thy 
son"  (Deut.  7:3).  Joshua,  in  his  dying  coun- 
sels, repeated  the  same  positive  prohibition. 
(Josh.  23:  12,  13.)  The  reason  for  this  singular 
and  difficult  regulation  is  given  in  the  fourth 
verse  of  Deut.  7 :  "  For  they  will  turn  away  thy 
son  from  following  me,  that  they  may  serve  other 
gods."  Here  is  well  stated  a  great  principle,  as 
well  as  prophetically  an  historic  fact.  The  sub- 
sequent history  of  Israel  proved,  by  sad  apostasies 
through  marriages  with  the  heathen,  that  the 
Mosaic  restriction  was  wisely  made.     How  dark 


42  THE    FAMILY 

the  stain  thus  made  upon  even  the  glory  of  Solo- 
mon, and  how  baneful  his  influence  upon  the 
kings  and  people  who  came  after  !  When  the  day 
for  reform  comes,  with  the  good  and  bold  Ezra 
as  leader,  these  unlawful  intermarriages  are  found 
to  be  both  the  greatest  cause  of  apostasy  and  the 
one  prevailing  and  powerful  influence  in  the 
way  of  national  religious  renovation  and  revival. 
Read  Ezra,  chapters  9  and  10,  for  the  most 
imjDressive  lesson  in  all  history  touching  this 
question. 

We  do  not  wonder  that  with  all  this  history 
and  teaching  handed  down  from  God's  ancient 
church  it  should  be  held  among  his  new 
Israel  that  their  marriages  should  be  "only  in 
the  Lord,"  as  says  Paul.  (I.  C'or.  7:  39.)  And 
it  appears  clear  that  in  liis  second  letter  to  the 
Corinthians  (6:  14,  etc.),  ''Be  ye  not  unequally 
yoked  together  with  unbelievers,"  etc.,  Paul  had 
marriage  as  one  thing  in  mind,  But  with  multi- 
tudes of  "believers"  in  our  day,  not  only  is  being 
yoked  together  in  marriage  "with  unbelievers" 
not  questioned  or  considered  for  a  moment,  but 
they  rush  into  such  alliances  eagerly,  especially 
if  wealth  and  social  position  may  tlius  be  secured. 
We  cannot  but  question  the  common  sense  of  this 
course,  and  especially  the  piety  of  it.     One  will 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  43 

be  surprised,  upon  looking  the  matter  up,  to  find  so 
large  a  number  of  families  in  which  but  one  of 
the  heads  of  it  is  a  Christian.  In  many  churches 
it  will  be  discovered,  upon  attention  to  the  matter, 
that  in  one-third  of  the  families  represented  such 
is  the  case.  It  is  generally  the  husband  who  is 
the  irreligious  member,  and  the  situation  is  only 
the  same  as  obtained  at  the  founding  of  the 
family.  In  a  number  the  Christian  has  made 
a  profession  since  marriage,  but  in  the  majority 
of  cases  the  religious  conditions  are  as  they  were 
at  the  founding  of  the  family.  Of  such  families 
certain  things  are  almost  the  universal,  necessary 
characteristics.  There  is  no  family  prayer,  nor  any 
formal  act  of  family  devotion.  Children,  if  in 
the  home,  are  not  brought  up,  at  least  fully,  "in 
the  nurture  and  admonition  of  the  Lord";  the 
family  atmosphere  is  not  religious.  While  num- 
bers of  such  husbands  or  wives  are  devoutly 
pious,  many  yield,  to  their  spiritual  hurt,  to  the 
adverse  influences  to  which  all  are  subjected. 
Many  are  kept,  by  influences  direct  or  indirect, 
from  the  sanctuary  and  means  of  grace.  Heart- 
aches, trials  of  faith,  and  not  unfrequent  persecu- 
tions, crushing  of  spirit,  and  secret  tears,  could  be 
named  as  a  part  of  many  a  life's  cup.  The  pious 
seldom  influence  the  godless  to  come  with  them 


44  THE    FAMILY 

to  Christ  and  the  church,  but  strong  influence  is 
often  exerted  the  other  way ;  and  the  pastor 
finds  that  his  efiforts  to  reach  and  save  these 
brothers-in-law  and  sisters-in-law  of  the  church 
are  as  a  rule  unsuccessful,  though  they  may  be, 
as  they  generally  are,  special  and  tireless. 

Of  course  the  influence  of  all  this  upon  the 
general  spiritual '  life  of  the  church  is  of  the  same 
character  as  that  exerted  upon  the  religious  life  of 
the  individual  and  family  directly  affected.  The 
whole  matter  is  to  be  deplored.  It  cannot  be 
pleasing  to  God.  It  is  against  the  spiritual  good 
of  multitudes  of  people  and  of  thousands  of  homes, 
and  is  a  great  strain  upon  the  vital  spiritual 
current  of  the  church  of  Christ. 

Certainly,  in  the  interest  of  church  and  family 
and  of  the  individual  Christian,  more  attention 
should  be  given  to  this  subject. 

It  might  be  supposed  to  be  unnecessary  to 
suggest  to  the  unmarried  young  ministers  before 
me  careful  and  godly  attention  to  this  subject 
in  making  selection  of  their  own  life  partners; 
but  we  are  all  aware  that  many  a  young  minister 
has  been  drawn  into,  or  has  rushed  into,  unwise, 
''unequal,"  and  very  unfortunate  marriage. 

While  the  usefulness  of  many  capable  ministers 
is   crippled   beyond  repair  by  their  unfortunate 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  45 

family  life,  on  the  other  hand,  the  genuine  help 
received  in  his  work  and  the  increased  influence 
gained  by  the  preacher  and  pastor  whose  wife 
and  family  are  what  every  minister's  should  be, 
are  absolutely  beyond  computation. 

Concerning  those  mutual  duties  of  love,  kind 
attention,  concession,  forbearance,  and  bestow- 
ment  of  becoming  honor,  and  the  thousand 
things,  little  and  great  and  sacred,  that  must  be 
constantly  receiving  attention  by  those  who  are 
"no  more  twain,  but  one  flesh,"  I  have  not 
spoken, — not  because  of  their  want  of  importance, 
for  both  the  Word  of  God  and  the  very  relations 
of  the  married  life  give  them  great  prominence.  It 
should  scarcely  need  to  be  stated  that  the  proper 
relation  between  husband  and  wife  should  be  prac- 
tically that  of  equality.  We  do  not  believe  that 
the  old  idea  of  the  lordship  of  the  husband  and 
the  wife's  obedient  subordination  is  the  original 
and  divine  conception  of  their  relation.  "So 
God  created  man  in  his  ow^n  image,  in  the  image 
of  God  created  he  him ;  male  and  female  created 
he  them.  And  God  blessed  them,  and  God  said 
unto  them.  Be  fruitful,  and  multiply,  and  replen- 
ish the  earth,  and  subdue  it ;  and  have  dominion 
over  the  fish  of  the  sea,  and  over  the  fowl  of  the 
air,  and   over  every   living   thing   that   moveth 


46  THE    FAMILY 

upon  the  earth."  Here  are  common  place  in 
creation  and  joint  authority  and  rulership  over 
the  lower  order  of  creation,  and  equal  rights  and 
privileges.  Says  Thwing :  "  The  idea  of  equality 
between  the  husband  and  wife  is  the  product 
of  the  thinking  of  the  last  century.  It  is  the 
direct  outgrowth  of  the  principles  of  the  Prot- 
estant Reformation,  which  have  relaid  the  foun- 
dations of  not  a  few  of  our  social  structures. 
The  truth  of  this  idea  is  admitted  by  compara- 
tively few  persons  in  theory,  but  in  practice  it  is 
almost  universally  recognized." 

Just  here,  however,  it  seems  to  me  there  is 
need  for  the  recognition  of  certain  evident  and 
acknowledged  distinctions  as  to  the  relation  of 
husband  and  wife.  As  already  indicated,  as 
individuals  they  stand  on  an  equality;  but  it 
would  plainly  be  pressing  the  point  too  far  to 
insist — as  would  seem  to  be  done  by  the  more 
liberal  school — that  as  the  heads  of  the  family 
they  stand  on  exactly  the  same  plane.  Rather, 
it  should  be  acknowledged  that  in  the  organic 
relationship  of  the  home,  upon  a  natural  basis, — 
as  so  designated  likewise  in  Scripture,  and  also 
recognized  by  the  common  consent  and  custom 
of  mankind, — the  husband  is  placed  as  the  nomi- 
nal head.     Necessity  seems  to  require  this.     For 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  47 

instance,  by  what  name  shall  the  new  family  be 
known  ?  The  one  general  custom  of  the  ages 
has  been  that  the  woman  should  lose  her  name 
and  take  that  of  her  husband.  Notice,  that  in 
all  this  there  is  no  setting  the  two  apart,  the 
one  as  superior  and  the  other  inferior;  the  wife 
may  be,  and  often  is,  in  personal  character  the 
acknowledged  superior.  It  is  a  matter  of  relative 
rank  in  the  organization  of  the  family  and  not 
of  absolute  rank  as  intelligent  and  moral  agents 
and  children  of  God.  And  as  stated,  this  matter 
of  rank  is  not  to  be  pressed ;  but  in  the  control 
and  management  of  the  home,  their  interest  and 
efibrt  should  be  practically  on  the  same  plane ; 
they  should  join  as  equals  in  its  duties,  sacrifices, 
responsibilities,  and  counsels.  This  is  in  keeping 
with  the  spirit  of  the  gospel,  the  dictates  of  jus- 
tice, and  the  demands  of  high  expediency.  Those 
homes  are  the  best  and  happiest,  and  produce  the 
noblest  character,  where  husband  and  wife  meet 
on  a  level  and  each  recognizes  the  complete  indi- 
viduality of  the  other ;  w^here  the  central  idea 
of  true  wedlock,  the  idea  of  mutual  self-surrender, 
constantly  prevails ;  and  where  a  double  headship 
saves  the  home  from  both  the  obnoxious  tyranny 
and  the  many  follies  of  a  sole  dictator.  "They 
twain  shall  be  one" 


48  THE    FAMILY 

The  two  fundamentals  in  the  making  of  a  truly 
happy  Christian  home,  namely,  a  true  conception 
of  the  religious  character  and  sacredness  of  matri- 
mony, and  the  wisdom  and  duty  of  Christians 
being  "not  unequally  yoked  together  with  unbe- 
lievers" in  wedlock,  have  been  discussed  because, 
first,  they  are  fundamental  and  comprehensive ; 
secondly,  because  the  disregard  of  them  is  so 
common  and  the  deleterious  results  therefrom  to 
religious  family  life,  and  to  the  family  in  general, 
and  to  religion  in  general,  are  so  widespread ; 
and  thirdly,  because  as  ministers  and  as  a  people 
we  are  giving  to  them  too  little  attention. 

There  is  another  subject  bearing  directly  upon 
the  relation  of  husband  and  wife,  and  affecting  so 
vitally  their  happiness,  and  having  also  such  a 
relation  to  the  general  subject  before  us,  that  I  feel 
it  should  claim  at  least  brief  attention,  though  it 
be  a  matter  of  acknowledged  delicacy.  A  true 
conception  of  marriage  includes  parentage.  To 
be  a  husband  means  to  be  a  father,  and  to  be  a 
wife  means  to  be  a  mother.  Nature,  or  rather  our 
wise  and  beneficent  Creator,  has  joined  with  wed- 
lock, as  an  end — its  most  holy  product,  shall  we 
say? — and  also  as  its  highest  joy  for  those  truly 
wedded,  the  babe.  A  home  without  children  does 
not  rise  to  God's  intention  in  founding  the  family. 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  49 

It  is  well  said  by  Mr.  Pomeroy  that  "the  heart 
of  society  is  the  home,  and  the  heart  of  the  home 
is  the  cradle.  .  .  .  The  home  which  has  never  been 
hallowed  by  the  influence  of  a  little  child  can 
never  completely  fulfill  the  ideal  of  a  home,  and 
almost  needs  an  apology  for  being."  Would  that 
public  sentiment  and  public  practice  were  in 
universal  accord  with  these  God-instituted  and 
heaven-blessed  conditions  of  wedlock.  Says  Rev. 
J.  T.  Duryea,  D.D.,  in  words  as  plain  as  true : 
"They  who  are  not  willing  to  become  parents 
ought  not  to  marry.  They  who  are  not  willing 
to  consecrate  marriage  to  the  family,  and  the 
family  to   its  high   ends,   ought  not  to  marry." 

Divorce  has  been  named  as  a  great  enemy  of  the 
family,  but  divorce  is  not  the  worst  enemy.  There 
is  a  perversion  of  marriage  that  strikes  a  more 
deadly  arrow  at  its  heart ;  that  stains  it  with 
worse  than  scandal — with  blood.  I  refer  to  that 
sin  whose  foul  character  has  stamped  it  as  "  name- 
less," but  which  must  be  named,  the  destruction 
of  unborn  human  life — a  sin  against  nature, 
high  treason  against  the  family,  a  crime  against 
society,  and  a  sin  whose  cry  pierces  highest 
heaven.  And  it  must  be  said,  for  it  is  the  shame- 
ful truth,  that  this  particular  double-dyed  sin 
lies  at  the  door,  not  of  the  so-called  lower  classes, 


50  THE    FAMILY 

but  chiefly  at  the  door  of  the  so-called  highly 
respectable  people.  We  blush  to  acknowledge 
that  such  a  crime  should  be  at  all  prevalent  in 
Christendom.  We  have  the  greater  shame  that 
the  nations  across  the  water  call  it  "  the  American 
sin."  One  of  our  writers  upon  this  subject  asks, 
"Must  it  always  remain  true  that  in  America 
wealth  and  prosperity  of  the  family  put  a  pre- 
mium upon  its  decay  ?  " 

I  have  neither  time  nor  disposition  to  dwell  upon 
the  diverse  methods,  or  to  weigh  the  supposed 
difl'erences,  of  their  one  common  crime  and  sin, 
used  in  preventing  parentage.  It  is  against  every 
phase  and  feature  of  this  destruction  of  prenatal 
life  that  I  would  raise  my  voice.  The  minister 
and  the  patriot  and  the  philanthropist  have  much 
to  give  them  anxiety  for  the  future  of  true  family 
life  and  for  the  future  general  welfare  of  the  com- 
munity. I  call  your  attention  to  this  question, 
that  as  public  teachers  you  may  give  it  due  con- 
sideration and  be  prepared  to  deal  with  it  in  such 
ways  as  you  may  see  most  fitting  and  effective. 
I  suggest  for  your  reading,  and  for  you  to  recom- 
mend to  young  people  (married  and  single),  such 
works  as  "Ethics  of  Marriage"  by  H.  S.  Pomeroy, 
M.D.  In  the  closing  sentences  of  Dr.  Duryea's 
able  introduction  to  this  book  are  these  words; 


THE    HUSBAND    AND    WIFE  51 

"The  family  is  the  source  of  the  church,  and 
enters  it  as  a  unit  of  its  hfe,  a  soHcl  factor  in  its 
organism.  For  this  reason  all  teachers  of  reli- 
gion should  manifest  their  cordial  sympathy  and 
give  their  hearty  support  to  the  sociologists  who 
are  endeavoring  to  secure  the  integrity  and  purity 
of  marriage,  to  devote  it  to  the  family,  and  so 
conserve  its  high  ends,  and  accordingly  aim  to 
instruct  and  guide,  to  caution  and  warn,  the 
people  in  respect  of  the  uses  and  abuses  of  these 
fundamental  and  sacred  institutions." 

Let  the  general  intelligence  and  the  common 
moral  sense  be  summoned  to  lend  their  aid  in 
elevating  both  the  idea  of  the  family  and  its  tone 
of  life,  and  let  lawmakers  and  law-executors  be 
invoked  to  continually  throw  around  this  most 
sacred  relation  of  husband  and  wife  the  protec- 
tion of  wholesome  laws, —  all  this  is  helpful ;  but 
more,  and  especially,  let  the  enlightened  Christian 
conscience,  led  by  the  Christian  ministry,  be 
brought  to  bear  in  molding  the  family  life  of 
the  land;  and,  above  all,  let  the  law  of  God  be 
made  the  guide  in  all  things  pertaining  to  the 
union  of  hands  and  hearts  and  lives  in  the 
founding  and  conducting  of  every  home. 


CHAPTER  III. 

THIRD  LECTURE  —  THE  RELATION  BETWEEN  PARENTS 
AND  CHILDREN. 

Gentlemen  of  the  Semmary:  — 

There  remains  yet  untouched,  in  our  consider- 
ation of  the  family,  the  relation  of  parents  to 
children.  So  before  us  lies  the  whole  of  the  great 
subject  of  family  government  and  home  child- 
training. 

To  be  compelled  to  say  to  you,  brethren,  that 
our  consideration  together  of  this  vital  subject 
must  be  confined  to  this  one  hour  is  to  me  a 
matter  of  regret,  and  to  enter  upon  its  treatment 
in  one  short  paper  seems  almost  worse  than 
trifling  with  the  subject.  But  we  can,  at  least,  if 
we  cannot  do  more,  hold  the  question  up  before 
us,  and  take  one  steady  look  at  it,  with  the  hope 
that  thereby  we  may  be  led  to  see  its  importance 
and  to  give  to  it  the  future  attention  which  that 
importance  demands. 

That  the  child  makes  the  man  and  shapes  the 
man  is  as  true  of  soul  and  character  as  it  is  of 
body  and  form.     And  where  is  the  child   most 

52 


PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  53 

powerfully  impressed?  At  home.  Who,  then, 
are  the  natural  and  heaven-ordained  guardians 
and  molders  of  child  life,  and  so  of  manhood 
and  womanhood  ?  The  parents.  Thus  at  home 
by  his  parents  are  exerted  upon  the  mind  and 
soul  of  the  child  those  influences  which,  in  a  pre- 
vailing degree,  shape  his  character  and  guide  his 
destinies  for  time  and  eternity. 

A  great  fact,  a  truth  that  should  have  com- 
manding force,  is  stated  in  the  last  sentence. 
This  has  been  recognized  by  the  more  observing 
among  the  good  of  all  ages ;  but  in  this  century, 
and  especially  in  our  day,  it  is  evidently  claiming 
wdder  attention.  True,  its  practical  disregard  is 
still  sadly  prevalent,  but  at  the  same  time  its 
intelligent  and  practical  consideration  is  on  the 
increase.  I  think  that  the  occasion  of  this 
increasing  attention  to  the  home  training  of 
children  is  due,  in  a  large  degree,  to  the  increased 
attention  in  general  that  is  being  given  to  chil- 
dren; to  their  education,  public  as  w^ell  as  private; 
to  their  reading,  sports,  pleasure,  etc.,  and  espe- 
cially due  to  the  interest  and  effort  being  directed 
toward  the  moral  and  religious  good  of  children 
and  youth,  as  through  the  Sunday  school,  chil- 
dren's bands,  and  other  like  agencies. 

The  most  valuable  and  almost  the  only  well- 


54  THE    FAMILY 

written  literature  upon  the  subject  is  the  product 
of  the  last  sixty  years,  and  the  best  and  most  has 
been  penned  during  the  last  twenty  years.  The 
choicest  book  upon  the  subject  of  which  I  have 
knowledge  is  the  latest,  that  by  H.  Clay  Trumbull, 
editor  of  the  Sunday-School  Times,  entitled,  "Hints 
on  Child-Training."  Of  the  earlier  works,  that 
written  in  1833  by  Rev.  John  S.  C.  Abbott,  under 
the  title,  "The  Mother  at  Home,"  is  perhaps  the 
most  thorough  and  valuable. 

Between  these  books  have  appeared  a  goodly 
number  of  varying  size  and  with  different  de- 
grees of  merit.  Meantime,  magazines  and  other 
periodicals  have  been  calling  more  repeated  at- 
tention to  the  subject.  Philanthropists  and  phi- 
losophers are  studying  the  subject  with  new 
interest,  and  we  not  infrequently  hear  weighty 
words  from  such  men  as  Joseph  Cook  and  others. 
Even  statesmen  of  the  type  of  Chauncey  M. 
Depew,  upon  fitting  occasions,  are  giving  their 
mature  and  deep  convictions  upon  the  home 
duties  of  parents  in  eloquent  and  stirring  public 
speech.  Women  of  truest  heart  and  clearest 
vision  are  being  heard.  The  question  is  in  the 
minds  and  upon  the  hearts  of  the  best  i)eople. 
It  is  upon  the  advanced  wave  of  Cliristian 
thought,  and  with  each  year  its  vital  relation  to 


PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  55 

morals  and  religion  will  appear  more  clear  and 
command  greater  practical  attention.  In  the 
preface  of  his  admirable  work,  "Christian  Nur- 
ture," Horace  Bushnell  well  says,  "This  subject  is 
one  of  the  highest  in  the  order  of  consequence, 
both  as  respects  the  welfare  of  religion  and  of 
human  society."  In  the  second  paragraph  of  the 
first  chapter  is  this  sentence:  "Few  questions 
have  greater  moment ;  and  it  is  one  of  the  pleas- 
ant signs  of  the  times  that  the  subject  involved 
is  beginning  to  attract  new  interest  and  excite  a 
spirit  of  inquiry  which  heretofore  has  not  pre- 
vailed in  our  churches." 

And  should  not  this  theme  be  prominent  in 
the  thought  of  the  minister?  As  the  directors 
and  leaders  in  all  matters  relating  to  the  for- 
mation of  Christian  character,  we  certainly  can- 
not but  be  deeply  interested  in,  and  foremost 
in  promoting,  the  more  intelligent  and  success- 
ful Christian  home  training  of  the  children  of  the 
church  and  of  the  land.  And  it  is  a  fact  that, 
as  in  all  fields  of  advanced  religious  thought 
and  work,  so  here,  the  pens  and  voices  of  wide- 
awake and  pious  ministers  are  the  power  that  is 
awakening  and  leading.  This  is  but  the  natural, 
and  we  may  say  inevitable,  feeling  and  position 
of  a  true  gospel  minister  ;  for  he  seeks  to  utilize 


56  THE    FAMILY 

every  moral  agency  in  the  work  of  saving  men. 
Now  here  he  sees  in  the  parent  one  more  power- 
ful than  himself  in  determining  personal  charac- 
ter and  destiny.  He  sees  the  home,  the  family, 
wielding  moral  influence  and  directing  character 
for  good  or  bad,  before  he  and  the  church  can 
reach  the  young  subject ;  and  after  he  has  reached 
him,  exerting  that  influence  always  more  contin- 
uously and  with  more  telling  and  lasting  effect. 
His  evident  duty  is,  if  possible,  to  direct  that 
agency,  giving  it  true  moral  tone  and  turning  it 
along  lines  of  wise  and  beneficent  influence. 

Thus  it  becomes  the  minister's  duty  and  privi- 
lege to  take  an  interest,  direct  and  practical,  in  the 
proper  Christian  training  of  the  children  of  the 
families  of  his  people.  This  interest  is  not  to  be 
merely  passive  and  quiet,  but,  to  be  of  value  to  his 
people,  must  be  active  and  efficient.  He  will  see 
it  his  duty  to  give  the  parents  of  his  congregation, 
and  the  children  also,  instruction  upon  the  sub- 
ject of  proper  family  government  and  order. 
Should  not  a  pastor  kindly  assist  a  mother  and 
father  in  their  efforts  to  properly  rear  their  chil- 
dren? Why  not?  Very  frequently  during  a 
pastoral  visit  conversation  turns  upon  the  chil- 
dren, perhaps  at  school,  and  the  parent  expresses 
deep  concern  for  their  good.     How  opportune  the 


PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  57 

occasion  to  offer  suggestions  that  would  be  help- 
ful. Should  the  pastor  give  instruction  from 
the  pulpit — should  he  preach  upon  this  subject? 
Why  not  ?  "  I  used  to,"  said  a  certain  preacher, 
*'and  in  my  younger  days  gave  the  parents  of 
my  flock  full  and  frequent  instructions  how  to 
rule  their  households  and  train  children ;  but 
since  I  've  several  of  my  own,  my  inclination  and 
ability  along  that  line  seem  to  have  declined." 

To  this  it  may  be  said  that  while  he  honestly 
acted  from  inclination  in  both  cases,  in  neither, 
perhaps,  did  he  act  wisely.  Age,  and  observation, 
and  experience  should  be  as  helpful  here  as 
anywhere.  But  if  w^hat  has  been  said  is  true, — 
and  its  truth  is  apparent, — parents  should  be  both 
informed  as  to  their  duty  and  assisted  in  perform- 
ing it. 

Evidently,  and  in  logical  order,  the  first  thought 
to  be  impressed  upon  parents  is  their  duty  and 
responsibility  in  this  regard.  Of  this,  most  parents 
have  at  least  some  idea,  though  it  may  be  quite 
superficial  and  vague.  Yet  but  few  have  any  just 
and  full  conception  of  the  towering  import  of  this 
matter.  Nor  do  parents  generally  realize  how 
their  own  happiness  or  misery  in  middle  or  later 
life  is  determined  by  their  faithfulness  or  unfaith- 
fulness in  bringing  up  their  children. 


68  THE    FAMILY 

Every  child  has  a  right  to  the  very  best  train- 
ing his  parents  can  give.  "He  has  the  right  to 
the  personal  care  of  both  father  and  mother,  a 
care  which  can  never  be  delegated  to  others 
without  serious  loss  to  both  parent  and  child." 
One  has  said :  "  To  be  fed  and  clothed  are  among 
the  minor  rights  which  children  may  demand  of 
parents.  It  is  their  right  to  learn  from  their 
parents,  both  by  precept  and  example,  those  prin- 
ciples of  truth,  of  honor,  of  personal  purity  in 
thought  and  life,  which  are  a  heritage  of  incal- 
culable worth.  Such  instruction  can  be  left  to  no 
teacher,  however  faithful ;  to  no  religious  guide, 
however  devoted.  The  parent  owes  it  to  the 
child,  for  whose  existence  he  is  responsible." 

The  duties  which  the  child  owes  the  parent  are 
many,  and  may  be  briefly  comprehended  in 
obedience  and  loving  confidence.  But,  "  however 
great  and  important  these  duties,  it  cannot  be 
overlooked  that  the  parent  owes  far  more  to  the 
child  than  the  child  to  the  parent."  The  impera- 
tive nature  of  the  duty  on  the  part  of  parents 
to  carefully  and  wisely  direct  their  children, 
especially  in  the  paths  of  true  moral  and  reli- 
gious life,  arises  from  the  universal  need  of  it. 
Kespecting  this  point,  a  keen  writer  has  observed 
that  a  certain    loose  view  is  being  asserted   by 


-PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  59 

some  to  the  effect  that  the  true  principle  of 
training  for  children  is  practically  no  training 
at  all ;  the  best  government,  no  government. 
*'"\Vhy  not,"  say  they,  "let  the  child  have  his  own 
way,  think  his  own  thoughts,  and  so  be  developed 
in  the  freedom  and  beauty  of  the  flowers  ?  Let 
us  not  put  harsh  restraint  upon  the  child's  natural 
liberty,  but  allow  him,  unstunted,  to  grow  up  as 
a  genuine  character,  a  large-minded,  liberal, 
original,  and  beautiful  soul."  "If  he  should 
sometimes  fall  into  bad  tempers  and  disgraceful 
or  uncomely  practices,  as  flowers  do  not,  let  him 
learn  how  to  correct  himself  and  be  righted  by 
his  own  discoveries."  Such  a  theory  implies  a 
confidence  in  human  nature  complete.  But  alas  ! 
experience  is  agpinst  this  angelic  theory,  and 
teaches  that  children  left  to  merely  blossom  into 
character  come  to  character  such  as  no  true 
parent  would  desire,  and  such  as  secures  anything 
but  good  to  the  self-directed  child  and  youth. 
Freedom  from  parental  curbing,  instruction,  and 
guiding  is  seen  to  be  perilous  and  ruinous.  "A 
child  left  to  himself  bringeth  his  mother  to 
shame"  (Prov.  29:  15). 

Hence,  further.  Scripture  gives  great  prominence 
to  the  duty  of  parental  care  and  instruction.  Of 
Abraham  God  says,  "I  know  him,  that  he  will 


60  THE    FAMILY 

command  his  children  and  his  household  after 
him,  and  they  shall  keep  the  way  of  the  Lord." 
Of  his  statutes  and  judgments,  God  said  to  his 
ancient  people,  ''Teach  them  thy  sons,  and  thy 
sons'  sons ;  .  .  .  that  they  may  teach  their  chil- 
dren" (Deut.  4:  9,  10).  "And  these  words  .  .  . 
thou  shalt  teach  .  .  .  diligently  unto  thy  chil- 
dren, and  shalt  talk  of  them  when  thou  sittest 
in  thine  house,"  etc.  (Deut.  6:  6,  7.)  "For  he 
established  a  testimony  in  Jacob,  and  appointed  a 
law  in  Israel,  which  he  commanded  our  fathers, 
that  they  should  make  them  known  to  their 
children ;  that  the  generation  to  come  might 
know  them,"  etc.  (Ps.  78  :  5,  6.)  "Chasten  thy 
son  while  there  is  hope."  "  Correct  thy  son,  and 
he  shall  give  thee  rest."  "Train  up  a  child  in 
the  way  he  should  go ;  and  when  he  is  old,  he 
will  not  depart  from  it"  (Prov.  22:6).  "Ye 
fathers,  provoke  not  your  children  to  wrath :  but 
bring  them  up  in  the  nurture  and  admonition  of 
the  Lord"  (Eph.  6:4). 

The  training,  the  Christian  nurture,  of  their 
children  is,  in  the  very  nature  of  things,  and  by 
the  Word  of  God,  the  most  sacred  and  most  im- 
portant of  all  the  religious  duties  of  parents. 

So,  brethren,  wherever  you  go,  "these  things 
command  and  teach." 


PARENTS    AND   CHILDREN  61 

And  now,  having  awakened  in  the  minds  of 
parents  a  proper  interest  in  this  vital  matter,  and 
a  pious  desire  to  fulfill  their  obligations,  it  is  our 
duty,  and  our  glad  duty,  to  aid  them  in  their 
seeking  of  further  light,  and  in  their  efforts — per- 
haps entirely  new — to  make  their  homes  really 
orderly  and  Christian. 

Here  is  imposed  upon  us  no  ordinary  duty — 
nay,  indeed,  but  an  extraordinary  and  a  most 
delicate  task.  For  its  successful  performance 
there  is  needed  special  preparation;  there  is 
needed  particular  interest  in  the  subject,  and  a 
grasp  of  it  in  general  and  in  detail.  And  I  dare 
to  assert  that  there  is  need  of  all  these  in  such  a 
degree  as,  I  regret  to  say,  but  few  ministers  possess. 
The  fact  is,  that  while,  as  before  stated,  a  new 
interest  is  being  awakened  upon  this  subject,  the 
vast  body  of  the  ministry  are  still  asleep  as  to  its 
real  import.  Very  few  have  given  the  question 
serious  study.  Very  few  clergymen  have  works 
in  their  libraries  treating  upon  it,  and  a  person 
might  listen  to  a  thousand  sermons  before  he 
would  hear  one  upon  family  government  or  home 
religion.  I  have  really  anticipated — presumed 
— too  much  for  the  minister  in  supposing  that  he 
has  already  interested  his  people  upon  the  matter. 
He  cannot  do  this  until  he  has  first  interested 


62  THE    FAMILY 

himself.  He  must  first  have  thought  and  read 
and  prayed,  and  prayed  and  read  and  thought 
again ;  and  this,  I  repeat,  is  what  but  few  minis- 
ters have  as  yet  done. 

How,  then,  shall  we  thoroughly  qualify  our- 
selves to  first  interest  and  then  properly  instruct 
our  people  ?  How  shall  we  bring  this  truly  great 
matter  out  of  its  place  of  general  and  harmful 
neglect  in  the  rear,  to  its  true  place  of  divinely 
appointed  and  helpful  prominence  in  the  front? 
The  method  is  simple  and  the  means  at  hand. 
In  addition  to  personal  observation,  investigate, 
study,  read  the  subject  up  carefully.  First 
study  it  as  set  forth  in  the  Bible — as  laid  before 
God's  people  by  the  Holy  Spirit.  This  will  open 
up  a  mine,  a  field,  which  will  be  a  revelation 
indeed.  Then  read  the  able  books — now  growing 
to  be  numerous — written  upon  the  subject.  This 
is  scarcely  less  important  than  the  study  of  the 
Scriptures,  and  I  would  even  urge  this  upon  every 
one.  Incidentally  I  have  already  named  three 
books,  to  which  I  here  add  a  fourth,  and  give 
together  their  titles  and  authors:  "The  Mother 
at  Home,"  by  Rev.  John  S.  C.  Abbott  (1833); 
"Gentle  Measures  in  the  Management  of  the 
Young,"  by  Jacob  Abbott  (1871);  "Christian 
Nurture,"  by  Horace  Bushnell  (1876),  and  "Hints 


PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  63 

on  Child-Training,"  by  H.  Clay  Trumbull  (1890). 
These  are  unexcelled ;  but  as  many  more  might 
be  named,  of  almost  equal  merit,  from  which  the 
eager  student  will  make  further  selections.  The 
very  names  of  some  of  these  writers  are  just 
ground  for  high  expectation,  and  the  study  of 
their  books  will  more  than  satisfy  it.  By  their 
pages  this  subject  will  be  opened  to  your  mind 
in  such  a  light  as  it  has  not  before  appeared,  and 
will  be  impressed  upon  your  heart  with  such 
weight  as  at  the  present  it  is  impossible  for  you 
to  feel.  The  subject  is  discussed  in  almost  every 
possible  phase,  embracing  the  vigorous  treatment 
of  all  the  fundamental  principles  involved,  as 
well  as  the  presentation  of  the  practical  applica- 
tion of  these  principles  in  the  most  perfect  and 
helpful  detail. 

It  will  at  once  occur  to  a  minister  that  he  has 
come  upon  a  very  practical  moral  and  religious 
question,  in  which  both  himself  and  his  people 
are  in  common  concerned,  and  he  will  be  anxious 
that  these  books,  one  or  more  of  them,  should 
also  be  in  the  hands  of  every  parent  of  his  flock. 
They  are  written  for  parents,  but  from  want  of 
information  and  interest,  very,  very  few  parents 
even  know  of  their  existence.  What  a  blessing  to 
a  home,  to  the  many  disorderly  and  practically 


64  THE    FAMILY 

unchristian,  though  professedly  religious,  homes, 
such  a  book  would  be.  At  the  earnest  sug- 
gestion of  their  pastor,  many  parents  would 
gladly  procure  it.  But  these  books  are  a  necessity 
to  every  minister,  both  as  a  source  of  interest  and 
inspiration  and  as  fertile  suggesters  of  practical 
thoughts  for  his  people. 

There  is  another  consideration  in  view  of 
which  it  becomes  a  gospel  minister  to  be  well 
informed  upon  the  subject  of  family  government 
and  nurture.  That  is,  that  he  himself,  when  in 
God's  providence  he  has  become  the  head  of  a 
household,  may  be  able  to  join  with  the  wife  and 
mother  in  the  conduct  of  a  truly  orderly  and 
pious  home,  bringing  up  his  own  children  in  the 
nurture  and  admonition  of  the  Lord.  Indeed,  the 
Word  of  God  specifies  his  ability  to  do  this  as  one 
of  the  qualifications  necessary  to  his  being  placed 
in  this  responsible  office.  He  "must  be  .  .  .  one 
that  ruleth  well  his  own  house,  having  his  children 
in  subjection  with  all  gravity  ;  (for  if  a  man  know 
not  liow  to  rule  his  own  house,  how  shall  he 
take  care  of  the  church  of  God?)"  The  logic  of 
this  is  irresistible,  and  when  we  reflect  that  in 
this  particular  especially  the  minister  and  his 
family  are  expected,  by  both  God  and  men,  to  be 
"  ensamples  to  the  flock,"  we  see  the  immeasur- 


PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  65 

able  importance  of  tlie  pastor's  home  being  one 
not  only  without  dishonor  or  even  weakness  in 
this  regard,  but  one  'where  the  positive  character^ 
istics  and  the  sweet  and  shining  graces  and  virtues 
of  true  Christian  family  life  constantly  and  in 
their  best  form  prevail.  Passing  the  joy  a 
minister  himself  takes  in  such  home  conditions 
and  life  and  the  special  moral  strength  his  heart 
receives  therefrom,  we  are  considering  only  their 
bearing  upon  his  influence  and  usefulness  among 
his  people.  Perhaps  the  w^holesome  influence  of 
such  pastoral  family  life  in  the  leading  of  the 
flock  is  the  better  appreciated  because  of  the 
injurious  influence  of  its  opposite.  And  of  such 
instances,  we  are  all  pained  to  know,  there  are 
not  a  few.  From  such  sad  and  blighting  home 
conditions  God  designs  that  his  ministers  may  be 
saved,  and  from  such  they  shall  be  saved,  if  they 
will  give  proper  attention  to  the  direction  of  their 
family  concerns.  The  rather,  it  is  certainly  the 
purpose  of  the  Great  Shepherd  that  each  under- 
shepherd's  little  home  flock  should  be  a  sample 
to  all  the  other  family  circles  of  the  entire  flock 
over  which  he  is  placed.  And  for  the  meeting 
of  our  responsibility  he  has  given  instructions, 
and  his  own  word  declares  that  he  will  crow^n  our 
sincere  efforts  with  success. 

5 


66  THE    FAMILY 

The  great  general  fact  back  of  all,  and  that 
calls  for  all  that  is  here  being  advanced  of  argu- 
ment or  assertion,  the  fact  of  the  controlling 
power  of  family  life  in  molding  character,  both 
individual  and  so,  also,  general,  has  its  root  in 
the  eternal  nature  and  fitness  of  things.  I  say 
fitness  of  things,  for  we  can  see  that  it  is  fit  and 
wise,  and  indeed  gracious,  that  God  should  have 
so  ordered.  Being,  then,  fit  and  natural,  it  is  the 
divine  design  that  it  should  be  made  to  cooperate 
in  the  carrying  forward  of  God's  great  purpose 
of  grace  in  the  gospel.  It  is  his  wish  that  his 
church  and  people,  recognizing  this  universal 
rule  and  law  in  the  impressing  of  principles  and 
practices  upon  each  rising  generation  of  men, 
should  plan  their  work  accordingly,  should  make 
use  of  parental  direction  and  home  life,  should 
sanctify  this  mighty  agency  of  power  and  turn  it 
into  the  channel  of  the  church's  aims.  This  we 
know  was  done  in  the  ancient  Jewish  church 
by  general  "statute,"  and  through  the  ages  on 
down  to  this  day  the  power  of  family  instruction 
has  been  able  to  mold  into  the  beliefs  and  char- 
acter of  their  ancestors  of  thirty-five  centuries 
ago  each  succeeding  generation.  Also,  when  we 
trace  back  to  their  sources  the  influences  that 
have  been  potent  in  the  formation  of  the  charac- 


TARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  67 

ter  of  particular  men  in  the  history  of  God's  peo- 
ple, we  find  ahnost  universally  that  they  had  their 
formation,  their  real  birth,  in  the  training  of  pious 
parents,  and  especially  of  pious  and  faithful 
mothers. 

The  counsel  and  training  of  his  father  and 
mother,  when  a  child,  made  Joseph  the  pure  and 
strong  and  great  character  he  was,  despite  the 
utter  absence  of  helpful  associations  after  his  early 
youth.  Moses  was  reared  in  a  luxurious  heathen 
court,  but  by  his  mother.  The  mother's  power  in 
the  case  of  Samuel  is  distinctly  told  in  Old  Testa- 
ment history ;  and  also,  by  Paul,  Timothy's  char- 
acter is  ascribed  to  the  faithful  instruction  of 
mother  and  grandmother.  The  history  of  the 
Christian  church  is  made  radiant  by  the  beautiful 
examples  of  pious  mothers  in  training  their  chil- 
dren for  God  and  the  church.  Nonna,  mother  of 
Gregory  Nazianzen,  Anthusa,  mother  of  Chrys- 
ostom,  and  Monica,  mother  of  Augustine,  will 
ever  hold  an  honored  place  in  the  annals  of  early 
ecclesiastical  history,  because  of  their  faithfulness 
in  rearing  their  children.  For  the  great  sons 
and  leaders  they  trained  for  the  church  every 
generation  of  God's  people  will  rise  up  and  call 
them  blessed.  "Saint  Augustine,"  as  Mr.  Trum- 
bull says,  "has  been  called  the  most  important 


68  THE    FAMILY 

convert  to  the  truth  from  Saint  Paul  to  Luther. 
Near  the  close  of  his  eventful  life  Saint  Augustine 
said :  '  It  is  to  my  mother  that  I  owe  everything. 
If  I  am  thy  child,  0  my  God  !  it  is  because  thou 
gavest  me  such  a  mother.  If  I  prefer  the  truth  to 
all  things,  it  is  the  fruit  of  my  mother's  teachings.' " 

Luther's  pious  mother  gave  the  stamp  to  his 
life.  Note  the  mother's  well-known  influence  in 
the  cases  of  Payson,  Baxter,  and  Doddridge.  What 
mighty  influences  for  good  the  pious  parents  of  the 
Wesleys  started  in  their  humble  home.  We  know 
of  the  part  played  by  a  pious  mother  in  giving  to 
us  and  the  world  our  own  Otterbein.  ''Home 
influence,  directed  by  a  pious  mother,"  said  Wash- 
ington, "is  the  source  of  my  success."  John 
Quincy  Adams  and  President  Nott  delighted  to 
refer  to  their  godly  mothers. 

AVhen  on  his  death-bed,  Rev.  Dr.  Adams,  of 
New  York,  remarked,  "  I  owe  everything  to  the 
judicious  training  of  my  parents." 

The  mother  of  Lincoln  died  when  he  was  but 
ten  years  of  age,  and  even  at  that  age  he  was  well 
instructed  in  the  Scriptures,  and  of  his  mother  he 
said,  "All  that  I  am,  or  hope  to  be,  I  owe  to  my 
mother." 

The  devotion  of  Garfield  to  his  mother  was 
only  equaled  by  her  faithful  devotion  to  his  early 


PARENTS    AND    CHILDREN  69 

Christian  training.  John  B.  Gough  once  said  in 
reference  to  his  mother,  before  a  great  audience, 
"  I  stand  before  you  to-night  to  declare  that  if  I 
have  ever  accompHshed  anything  in  the  world,  if 
I  have  ever  done  aught  of  good,  what  I  am,  and 
what  I  have  done,  by  the  grace  of  God,  has  been 
through  the  influence  of  that  mother." 

Thus  does  history  utter  one  voice  in  proclaim- 
ing the  beneficence  and  power  of  pious  homes ; 
thus  do  generals,  statesmen,  jurists,  reformers, 
and  divines  unite  in  attributing  their  correct 
heart  beliefs  and  their  life  successes  to  the  godly 
parental  nurture  given  them  in  childhood.  And 
this  is  a  fact  of  almost  universal  prevalence 
with  the  great  army  of  godly,  active  Christian 
workers  to-day — among  Sunday-school  teachers, 
missionaries,  ministers  of  the  gospel,  professors  in 
Christian  institutions,  and  students  in  theological 
seminaries.  Let  all  of  us  here  this  morning  who 
have  been  blessed  with  the  pra^^ers  and  instruc- 
tions of  pious  parents  raise  the  hand.  [Almost 
every  right  hand  went  up.]  Ah,  yes,  brethren, 
we  are  here  to-day  giving  ourselves  to  this  high 
and  holy  calling  because  we  have  had  godly 
parents.  Valuable  as  is  the  instruction  given 
us  here,  the  foundation  upon  which  these  faithful 
and  learned  teachers  build  was  laid  in  our  child- 


70  THE    FAMILY 

hood  by  modest,  devoted  mothers.  With  truth 
and  force  does  Shairp  say,  "College  learning  is 
good,  but  all  the  learning  of  all  the  universities 
of  Europe  cannot  compensate  for  the  loss  of  that 
which  the  youth,  reared  in  a  religious  home,  has 
learned  in  childhood  at  his  mother's  knee." 

Oh,  what  power  for  good  in  the  narrow  and 
sacred  enclosure  of  the  home  !  With  wdiat  signal 
blessing  has  God  always  stamped  parental  instruc- 
tion and  home  religion.  Starting  at  humble 
family  altars,  what  mighty  streams  of  power 
have  poured  forth  to  flow  through  the  earth. 
To-day,  of  the  many  forces  sanctified  and  used  by 
God  for  the  spread  of  truth  and  righteousness, 
none  can  take  the  place  of,  and  none  can  equal, 
the  power  exerted  in  the  millions  of  our  humble 
Christian  homes. 

"It  is  to  thoroughly  good  and  righteous  family 
life  that  the  church  must  look  for  its  greatest 
element  of  strength."  To  exalt  this  fact  in  the 
estimation  of  the  people,  and  to  secure  among 
them  more  intelligent  and  faithful  attention  to 
the  Christian  nurture  of  their  children,  is  at  once 
both  the  sacred  duty  and  the  high  privilege  of 
the  Christian  minister. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

WORDS    TO    PARENTS. 

While  every  husband  and  wife,  and  especially 
every  parent,  would  be  interested,  and,  it  is  hoped, 
profited,  by  the  reading  of  the  foregoing  lectures, 
whose  contents  were  originally  prepared  for  min- 
isters, it  would  seem  that  in  offering  them  for 
general  reading  an  additional  chapter  should  be 
written  addressed  directly  to  parents.  But  who 
can  do  anything  like  justice  to  the  subject  of 
parental  duties  in  a  few  pages?  The  family 
training  of  children  is  a  theme  of  such  impor- 
tance and  of  such  a  multitude  of  phases  and 
points,  theoretical  and  practical,  that  it  needs 
volumes  for  its  just  treatment.  And  upon  it 
volumes  have  been  written.  Here  nothing  more 
can  be  attempted  than  to  make  suggestions  which 
may  be  helpful  in  themselves  and  which  will 
prompt  parents  to  greater  attention  to  and  further 
study  of  the  subject. 

Perhaps  just  here  it  should  be  said  that  our 
need  as  parents  is  not  so  much  specific  instructions 
how  to  control  our  households  and  properly  bring 

71 


72  THE    FAMILY 

up  our  children,  as  a  deep  sense  of  our  sacred 
duty  in  this  regard.  All  faithful  parents  recog- 
nize the  duty  —  and  joyfully  give  their  lives  to  its 
performance — of  providing,  to  the  best  of  their 
ability,  for  the  material  comfort  of  their  children ; 
but  multitudes  of  such  almost  utterly  neglect 
family  discipline.  They  feed  and  clothe  tlieir 
boys  and  girls,  and  that  is  about  all.  Do  children 
need,  in  the  home,  nothing  more  than  this  ?  Do 
not  parents  know  that  while  their  children's 
bodies  and  minds  are  developing,  there  is  also 
developing  daily  something  else — character  ?  And 
who  is  to  direct  this  growth?  Or  does  it  need 
no  oversight  and  direction?  It  is  so  ordered 
in  the  nature  of  things  that  the  child  will  become 
and  will  do  largely  what  the  parent  by  his  in- 
fluence determines.  Mr.  H.  Clay  Trumbull  truly 
says,  respecting  this  point :  "  It  is  a  parent's  privi- 
lege, and  it  is  a  parent's  duty,  to  make  his 
children,  by  God's  blessing,  to  be  and  to  do  what 
they  should  be  and  do,  rather  than  what  they 
would  like  to  be  and  do.  If  indeed  this  were  not 
so,  a  parent's  mission  would  be  sadly  limited  in 
scope,  and  diminished  in  importance  and  pre- 
ciousness.  The  parent  who  does  not  recognize 
the  possibility  of  training  his  children,  as  well  as 
instructing  them,  misses  one  of  his  highest  priv- 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  73 

ileges  as  a  parent,  and  fails  of  his  most  important 
work  for  his  children." 

The  first  and  great  essential  in  every  well-con- 
ducted home  is  order ;  that  is,  the  daily  operation 
and  fruits  of  good  family  government.  Without 
this  it  is  impossible  to  properly  rear  any  child. 
It  is  folly  to  be  considering  the  training  of  their 
children  on  the  part  of  any  parents  who  have 
not  learned  first  to  govern  them.  Time  cannot, 
and  need  not,  be  taken  to  argue  this  palpable 
truth.  But  what  shall  be  the  fundamental  prin- 
ciple of  the  home  government  ?  Various  princi- 
ples and  methods  are  in  vogue  among  parents. 
Shall  the  method  be  reason?  Must  the  parent 
depend  upon  his  ability  to  convince  his  child 
of  the  reasonableness  or  propriety  of  the  child's 
recognizing  the  justice  of  parental  control  in  gen- 
eral, and  the  righteousness  of  each  particular  com- 
mand? This  w^ould  hardly  stand  as  a  practical  prin- 
ciple, for  young  children  are  not  capable  of  know- 
ing or  being  made  to  understand  all  "the  whys 
and  wherefores"  of  even  the  wisest  requirements. 
Shall  affection  be  the  method  ?  Must  the  appeal 
to  his  boy's  love  be  the  father's  dependence  for 
obedience?  Very  likely  at  times  the  boy's  self- 
love — his  genuine  self-will — will  overbalance 
his   love    for   his    father   and    his   father's   will. 


74  THE    FAMILY 

Shall  the  mother  base  her  control  of  the  home, 
so  often  left  to  her  single  effort,  upon  the  mutual 
love  that  should  exist  and  does  exist  between  her 
and  her  children?  Love  is  a  mighty  power  in 
every  true  home,  and  should  be  cultivated  and 
used  to  its  utmost  strength ;  but  can  government 
be  built  upon  it  ?  Suppose  selfishness  and  aroused 
passion  should  override  it ;  what  then  ? 

Without  giving  further  attention  to  faulty  prin- 
ciples, I  assert  that  the  one  only  true  method  of 
governing  a  home  is  by  authority.  This  is  the 
fundamental  principle  that  must  be  recognized  in 
theory  and  practice.  It  is  simply  the  inevital)le 
outgrowth  of  the  recognition  of  "what  the  posi- 
tion of  a  parent  means, — one  of  direction  and 
authority, — and  what  the  relation  of  children 
means — honor  and  obedience."  Such  is  the 
teaching  of  Scripture,  which  expects  a  father  to 
be  a  man  who  "ruleth  well  his  own  house,"  and 
requires  of  children  that  they  obey  their  par- 
ents. This  order  in  the  home  rests  on  the  very 
nature  of  things,  and  cannot  change,  whatever 
may  be  the  spirit  of  the  age;  and  this  order  of 
things  is  to  be  assumed  at  once  by  parents  as  a 
matter  of  course,  and  thus  it  will  be  recognized 
at  once  by  the  children  also  as  a  matter  of  course. 
Yes,  the  authority  of  parents  is  the  only  basis 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS 


75 


upon  which  they  can  build  the  government  and 
carry  out  the  governing  of  their  households. 

Now,  having  settled  upon  the  basis  of  author- 
ity, the  important  inquiry  is,  how  it  shall  be 
firmly  established  and  made  practically  success- 
ful and  beneficent.  Perhaps  the  majority  of 
parents  believe  in  this  principle.  The  error  is 
not  in  principle,  but  in  practice.  How  to  govern, 
how  to  maintain  authority,  securing  its  whole- 
some results,  is  the  great  practical  matter.  In 
general,  it  should  not  be  done  by  harsh  or  severe 
methods.  Gentle  measures,  natural  measures,  are 
at  once  the  reasonable  and  the  successful  ones. 
Threats,  scolding,  scaring,  cufiing,  and  the  like,  so 
common,  are  no  part  of  wise  parental  conduct. 
These  things  weaken  authority,  as  does  the  im- 
posing of  unreasonable  and  unpaternal  require- 
ments. Here  let  it  be  remembered  that  the  child 
has  rights.  Parents  have  not  a  right  to  act  as 
they  please  toward  children.  Says  Kate  Doug- 
las Wiggin:  "The  child  has  rights,  an  individ- 
uality ;  is  not  owned,  mind,  body,  and  soul,  by  the 
parent ;  he  owns  himself.  The  parent  is  simply 
a  divinely-appointed  guardian,  who  acts  for  his 
child  until  he  attains  what  we  call  the  age  of 
discretion."  And  children  have  a  keen  apprecia- 
tion of  their  rights.     Their  sense  of  justice,  their 


76  THE    FAMILY 

perception  of  things  unreasonable,  unkind,  op- 
pressive, passionate,  and  cruel,  is  wonderfully 
quick,  and  their  sensitive,  susceptible  natures  are 
capable  of  the  deepest  wounding.  Just  as  with 
a  person  of  years,  their  whole  nature  rises  up 
against  felt  encroaclnnents  upon  their  rights.  It 
is  sadly  unnatural  when  the  administration  of 
authority  in  the  home  is  such  that  the  souls 
of  the  children  are  wounded,  and  chafed,  and 
goaded  to  the  point  of  disrespect  for  the  parental 
government,  and  finally,  as  is  so  often  the  case, 
to  the  point  of  disregard. 

The  punishment  of  children  in  some  measure 
may  enter  now  and  then  as  a  necessary  factor  in 
their  proper  training.  This  may  be  imposed 
in  various  ways.  One  general  method  may  be  by 
curtailing  some  of  their  usual  privileges  in  case  of 
offenses.  The  most  difficult  method  to  correctly 
administer  is  corporal  punishment.  This  should 
be  resorted  to  only  as  an  extreme  measure  and  a 
last  resort.  The  better  the  home  government 
the  less  of  bodily  punishment  appears  in  its  ad- 
ministration. One  has  put  the  matter  thus:  that 
it  is  a  question  of  greater  or  less  skill  in  parents, 
and  of  higher  or  lower  means.  It  is  much  as  in 
civil  government;  there  are  higher  and  more 
enlightened  forms,  and  there  are  lower  and  more 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  77 

coarse  forms.  And  so  it  is  a  reflection  upon  the 
management  of  a  home  that  its  tlieory  and  prac- 
tice of  government  should  be  by  the  rod.  In 
this  way  obedience  is  sought  and  obtained  through 
fear  of  punishment,  and  the  child  becomes  a  slave. 
As  said,  the  rod  sliould  not  be  the  settled  method, 
but  the  incidental  one — the  very  last  resort. 
This  is  surely  the  position  of  Scripture  upon  this 
point.  But  if  it  becomes  necessary  to  inflict 
corporal  punishment,  let  it  be  done  in  the  right 
spirit.  It  should  never  be  done  in  anger.  The 
great  difiiculty  lies  right  at  this  point.  Most 
parents  are  apt  to  j)unisli  the  offending  child 
when  they  are  irritated  by  the  provoking  offense. 
Space  cannot  be  taken  to  j^oint  out  the  many 
evils  of  such  a  course.  In  his  admirable  work, 
''Hints  on  Child-Training,"  Mr.  Trumbull  devotes 
an  entire  chaj^ter  to  the  topic,  "Never  Punish  a 
Child  in  Anger."  It  is  one  of  the  most  timely 
and  valuable  chapters  in  his  excellent  book. 

When  in  our  inquiry  for  the  true  method  of 
governing  it  was  agreed  that  it  must  be  by  pa- 
rental authority,  and  not  by  reason  or  affection, 
these  two  forces  in  the  home  were  not  supposed  to 
be  discarded.  They  are  to  be  constantly  active 
as  potent  and  essential  aids  to  the  reign  of  peace- 
producing  authority.     For  instance,  it  will  cer- 


78  THE    FAMILY 

tainly  lead  a  child  to  more  willing  and  intelligent 
obedience,  to  see  also  the  reasons  for  what  is  re- 
quired. Let  not  our  assigning  of  duties  be  sim- 
ply by  the  cold,  stern  word  of  command.  No 
home  should  be  under  martial  rule.  Yet  we  can- 
not  be  exjDected  to  always  give  our  children  the 
reasons  for  our  commands.  That  they  are  our 
commands  is  the  prime  and  sufficient  reason  for 
their  ready  fulfillment,  but  very  often  a  word  of 
explanation  wdll  both  interest  the  child  and  en- 
list him  in  his  obedience. 

As  to  affection,  there  can  be  no  true  home  with- 
out it — no  true  fulfilling  of  the  duties  of  parents 
or  of  children.  Love  is  not  only  "the  greatest 
thing  in  the  world,"  but  it  is  the  very  life  and 
soul  of  that  inner,  sacred  w^orld,  the  family.  No 
parent  can  possibly  exercise  true  parental  control 
who  has  not  reigning  in  his  breast  parental  tender- 
ness and  love ;  and  that  obedience  is  but  formal 
and  forced  which  is  not  the  obedience  of  love. 
Households  where  love  reigns  are  generally  house- 
holds where  order  reigns,  and  vice  versa.  Parents 
who  seek  to  rule  largely  by  the  power  of  affection, 
will  find  their  influence  over  their  children  well 
established  and  constantly  increasing.  Love  in 
the  parent  begets  love  in  the  child,  and  the  child's 
love  prompts  him  to  ready  and  true  obedience. 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  79 

Parents  will  strengthen  their  hold  upon  the 
children  by  cultivating  a  sympathy  and  proper 
familiarity  between  themselves  and  their  chil- 
dren. Children  are  especially  appreciative  of 
any  interest  taken  in  the  things  which  concern 
them.  We  should  enter  into  their  joys  and  sor- 
rows, into  their  plans  and  plays ;  in  short,  should 
enter  into  their  life.  How  few  parents  do  this ! 
and  by  this  want  of  sympathy,  how  much  they 
lose  of  power  to  direct  and  aid.  Says  one,  "  There 
are,  however,  parents  who  sympathize  with  their 
children  in  all  things,  and  as  a  result  they  prac- 
tically train  and  sway  their  children  as  they  will ; 
for  when  there  is  entire  sympathy  between  two 
persons,  the  stronger  one  is  necessarily  the  con- 
trolling force  with  both."  Mr.  Hopkinson  Smith 
wrote  to  fathers:  "Open  your  heart  and  your 
arms  wide  for  your  daughters,  and  keep  them 
open ;  don't  leave  all  that  to  their  mothers.  An 
intimacy  will  grow  up  with  the  years,  which  will 
fit  them  for  another  man's  arms  and  heart  when 
they  exchange  yours  for  his.  Make  a  chum  of 
your  boy,  'hail  fellow,  well  met,'  a  comrade. 
Get  down  to  the  level  of  his  boyhood,  and  bring 
him  gradually  up  to  the  level  of  your  manhood. 
Don't  look  at  him  from  the  second-story  window 
of  your  fatherly  superiority  and  example."    Many 


80  THE    FAMILY 

parents  do  not  feel  prompted  to  this  beautiful  and 
helpful  sympathy,  but  it  can  be  cultivated ;  in 
fact,  it  needs  in  almost  all  cases  to  be  persistently 
cultivated.  Children,  also,  who  are  wanting  in 
sympathy  will  soon  reciprocate  it,  and  so  there 
can  be  secured  that  mutual  love  and  esteem 
which  promote  .  every  natural  and  divinely- 
ordered  relation  between  children  and  parents. 

In  applying  even  good  principles,  parents  are 
liable  to  many  mistakes  and  faults.  There  is 
such  a  thing  as  overdoing  in  the  matter  of  child- 
training.  This  evil  may  be  as  great  as  that  of 
neglect.  And  it  is  likely  that  this  mistake  will 
be  made  most  frequently  by  young  parents  who 
are  deeply  interested  and  thoroughly  conscien- 
tious in  the  proper  training  of  their  children. 
So  watchful  and  untiring  and  particular  are  they 
that  they  almost  stand  over  their  children,  and 
scarcely  allow  them  to  make  a  move  without 
their  kindly  direction  and  aid.  Such  constant 
guarding  and  guiding  are  bound  to  unnecessarily 
worry  and  cramp  and  even  confuse  a  child.  It 
is  started  out  by  a  command  here  and  confronted 
by  a  prohibition  there  ;  it  "must  not  do  this"  and 
it  "must  do  that,"  and  so  it  is  forever  under  the 
parent's  "must."  The  poor  little  creature  is  never 
free.    Under  this  over-attention  it  feels  a  constant 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  81 

restraint.  Suppose  a  child  does  step  aside  now 
and  then,  or  even  frequently ;  it  will  be  much  the 
better  course  to  not  see  every  little  fault.  Let  the 
fault,  at  least  when  not  flagrant,  pass  unnoticed. 
Some  parents  actually  acquire  a  habit  of  contin- 
ually objecting  to  whatever  their  children  are 
doing  whenever  they  are  within  sight  or  hearing. 
This  kind  of  attention  is  almost  always  of  a  fault- 
finding spirit,  and  leads  the  parent  to  be  given 
to  a  "nagging"  habit.  There  is  constant  danger 
also,  by  this  overdone  strictness,  of  provoking  a 
clashing  of  wills.  The  clashing  of  the  will  of  the 
child  with  that  of  the  parent  ought,  if  possible,  to 
be  avoided.  The  true  aim  of  the  parent  should 
be  the  directing  and  training  of  his  child's  will, 
not  the  breaking  or  crushing  of  it  in  a  set  battle. 
Of  course  the  will  of  the  parent  must  be  the 
recognized  law  of  the  home,  but  it  will  at  once 
appear  as  the  most  blind  and  stupid  folly  to 
pursue  a  course  that  must  half  the  time  array  the 
will  of  the  children  against  it.  As  said  else- 
where, let  the  child's  individuality  be  recognized. 
On  the  other  hand,  a  parent  should  see  it  wise 
and  right  to  give  his  child  no  little  freedom.  He 
should  even  indulge  the  child's  desires  when  they 
are  of  an  innocent  kind  and  have  no  harmful 
tendencies.     Proper  indulgence  is  not  at  all  in- 


82  THE    FAMILY 

compatible  with  the  exercise  of  the  fullest  author- 
ity and  control.  But  here  is  a  very  vital  point, 
and  it  requires  no  little  wisdom  on  the  part  of 
parents  to  judge.  Loose  and  indiscriminate  in- 
dulgence of  children  has  proved  the  ruin  of 
thousands,  and  the  destroyer  of  the  happiness  of 
multitudes  of  homes.  And  attention  ought  to  be 
called  to  the  present  tendency  to  the  over-indul- 
gence of  children.  With  many  there  is  such  a 
swinging  away  from  the  old-time  rigidity  of 
restraint  that  it  carries  them  over  to  the  other 
equally  hurtful  extreme.  It  is  the  golden  mean 
toward  which  the  wise  parent  will  aim.  To  fol- 
low this  golden  mean  requires  great  wisdom.  It 
calls  for  both  kindness  and  firmness.  No  other 
question  is  more  difficult  to  deal  with.  And  this 
is  especially  the  case  when  the  children  have 
reached  more  advanced  boyhood  and  girlhood. 
A  thoughtful  writer  suggests  that  at  this  period  of 
the  child's  development  parents  should,  on  the  one 
hand,  guard  against  such  close  watching  as  will 
prevent  self-action  and  the  cultivation  of  self-con- 
trol, and,  on  the  other,  against  giving  that  full  free- 
dom which  at  this  age  the  child  is  by  no  means 
qualified  to  exercise  without  great  peril.  Here  is 
what  is  often  and  is  rightly  called  the  critical  age. 
Once  helped  safely  through  these  unsteady  and 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  83 

fateful  years,  the  young  man  and  young  woman  are 
most  likely  out  on  an  open  sea  and  a  safe  voyage. 
The  cultivation  of  self-control  and  development 
of  the  spirit  of  self-dependence  is  a  matter  of 
great  importance  at  this  preparatory  stage.  Soon 
the  boy  and  girl  must  act  for  themselves,  whether 
ready  for  self-direction  or  not.  It  is  certainly  the 
duty  of  the  parent  to  prepare  his  child  for  the 
assuming  of  life's  real  and  stern  tasks.  This 
cannot  be  done  otherwise  than  by  giving  him 
freedom,  and  imposing  duties,  and  even  thrusting 
him  amid  common  temptations  and  perils,  all 
under  parental  supervision  and  aid.  Under- 
standing this  principle,  men  of  large  commercial 
interests,  which  are  by  and  by  to  fall  into  the 
hands  and  control  of  sons,  thrust  their  sons  out 
into  the  practical  business  world  while  under 
their  tutelage.  They  are  prevented  from  com- 
mitting great  blunders  in  their  amateur  attempts, 
but  they  are  also  taught — self-taught — in  the 
tactics  of  successful  business.  What  we  parents 
want  to  do  is  to  prepare  our  children,  if  we  can, 
for  the  real  world  that  awaits  them.  We  want 
to  teach  them  moral  stability,  such  as  will  surely 
be  required  in  our  sin-ruined  world.  And  so 
let  the  drill  and  first  skirmishes  be  part  of  the 
experience  of  their  training  days  at  home. 


84  THE    FAMILY 

It  has  beeu  agreed  that  the  child  has  his 
rights.  One  of  his  first  rights  and  most  sacred  is 
the  right  to  a  good  example  in  his  parents.  The 
child  is  to  be  pitied  who  has  not  this.  Children 
live  during  their  earlier  years  largely  in  the 
realm  of  the  senses.  Their  impressions  are  gotten 
chiefly  through  the  eye  and  ear,  and  that  other 
unnamed  sense  which  we  may  designate  as  that 
of  instinctive  soul  perception.  They  are  great 
imitators.  They  are  very  impressible  by  the 
evident  character  of  those  nearest  them.  They 
are  apt  learners  from  object  lessons.  It  is,  after 
all,  not  so  much  the  home  rule  that  molds  the 
children  as  the  home  living.  The  living  father 
and  mother,  their  own  inner  and  outer  self,  this 
is  the  felt  and  molding  force  of  the  home.  The 
important  matter  is  the  ruler  within  the  rulers. 

"O'er  wayward  childhood  would'st  thou  hold  firm  rule, 
And  sun  thee  in  the  light  of  happy  faces? 
Love,  hope,  and  patience  there  must  be  thy  graces, 
And  in  thine  own  heart  let  them  first  keep  school." 

It  is  especially  important  that  parents  do  not 
show  a  lack  of  command  of  self.  To  manifest 
the  very  weaknesses  of  temper  which  they 
forbid  in  their  children  is  exceedingly  unfortu- 
nate, and  to  give  way  to  them  in  the  midst  of 
the  administration  of  family  order  and  discipline 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  85 

is  the  very  climax  of  weakness.  "Very  often 
a  father  or  mother  is  the  chief  figure  in  a  house- 
hold uproar,  the  biggest  child  of  them  all,  and 
whose  only  superiority,  either  real  or  recognized, 
consists  in  superior  brute  force.  In  thousands  of 
homes  almost  every  day  parents  actually  quarrel 
with  their  children."  What  a  sad  sight !  This 
is  sowing  to  the  wind,  whose  reaping  is  sure  to 
be  the  whirlwind.  From  the  children  of  such  a 
home  has  already  flown  their  last  feeling  of 
respect  for  its  mock  authority,  and,  sadder,  from 
their  souls  will  soon  be  driven  their  last  lingering 
breathings  of  filial  affection.  "Fathers,  provoke 
not  your  children  to  wrath." 

One  thing  has  been  taken  for  granted  in  these 
suggestions  to  parents  respecting  their  efibrts  in 
the  direction  of  family  affairs,  and  that  is  that  there 
is  agreement  and  cooperation  of  the  father  and 
mother — cooperation  both  as  to  the  general  plans 
of  the  home  order  and  also  as  to  the  methods 
of  their  practical  carrying  out.  This  is  a  most 
vital  matter,  so  vital  that  it  would  seem  that 
parents  of  the  most  ordinary  intelligence  would 
see  it  and  invariably  act  accordingly.  But  the 
fact  is  that  in  very  many  homes  no  such  order 
of  things  exists.  In  some  matter  touching  the 
conduct  of  the  children,  one  parent  proposes  a 


86  THE    FAMILY 

certain  course,  and  the  other  proposes  something 
quite  the  opposite.  Then  most  hkely  the  chil- 
dren in  about  equal  numbers  take  the  two  sides, 
or  in  a  case  of  the  administration  of  discipline,  it 
is  not  infrequently  the  case  that  the  correction 
administered  by  the  father,  for  instance,  is  ob- 
jected to  by  the  mother,  and  so  the  child  comes 
to  think  himself  to  be  given  full  indulgence  by 
one  while  he  holds  the  other  as  a  tyrant.  The 
many  ruinous  results  of  such  a  course  are  appar- 
ent. If  in  any  case  one  of  the  heads  of  the 
household  may  have  been  driven  by  trying  prov- 
ocation of  some  act  of  insubordination  to  some 
really  extreme  or  unwise  administrative  act,  let 
the  other  raise  no  objection  and  make  no  mention 
of  his  adverse  opinion  in  the  hearing  of  the 
children.  Such  matters  should  be  talked  over 
where  none  may  know  of  it  but  the  parents 
themselves.  A  house  divided  against  itself  can- 
not stand.  Both  parties  in  the  dual  rulership 
of  the  family  must  be  jealous  each  of  the  good 
standing  of  the  other  before  the  children.  Each 
must  be  the  otb  3r's  supporter ;  the  two  must  inva- 
riably, where  it  is  at  all  possible,  work  together. 
I  am  aware  that  there  are  not  a  few  homes  in 
this  land  where  one  of  its  leaders — it  may  be 
the  mother,  it  is  most  likely  to  be  the  father — 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  87 

is  almost  wholly  recreant  to  the  sacred  parental 
trust,  and  whose  influence  is  most  of  the  time 
against  the  home's  best  good.  In  such  cases  the 
parent  who  still  seeks  to  fulfill  the  duties  of  the 
father  or  mother  must  manage  this  delicate 
matter  the  most  discreetly  and  wisely  that  the 
unfortunate  circumstances  will  permit. 

That  the  moral  and  religious  training  of  their 
children  should  stand  first,  ought  to  need  no 
argument  with  faithful  parents.  No  doubt  the 
duty  here  suggested  is  in  a  way  recognized — by 
all  Christian  parents,  at  least.  The  important 
demand  of  our  day  is  that  recognized  duty  be 
carried  into  practice.  Whether  children  shall, 
in  mature  years,  be  moral  or  immoral,  religious 
or  irreligious,  depends  more  upon  the  moral  and 
religious  influence  of  their  home  than  upon  all 
other  influences  combined.  That  children  in  our 
day  may  and  do  receive  much  moral  instruction 
outside  of  the  home  is  a  gratifying  fact.  With 
many,  indeed,  their  only  religious  direction  must 
come  from  the  Sunday  school,  the  church,  and 
the  various  agencies  of  church  work.  But  no 
parent  can  afford  to  commit  this,  his  first  duty  to 
his  children,  to  any  other  hands.  It  is  to  be 
feared  that,  in  many  of  our  homes,  religious  mat- 
ters are  not  given  their  due  prominence.     If  there 


88  THE    FAMILY 

is  really  not  genuine  piety  in  the  home,  if  family 
devotions,  the  religious  family  paper,  the  reading 
and  study  of  the  Bible,  religious  conversation, 
attendance  at  the  services  of  God's  house,  observ- 
ance of  the  Lord's  day — if  these  conditions  are 
wanting,  there  can  be  no  religious  training  there. 
In  fact,  it  should  be  said,  and  said  with  em- 
phasis, that  the  proper  moral  and  religious 
atmosphere  of  the  home  is  the  one  great  general 
essential  in  the  correct  and  successful  rearing  of 
children.  All  that  has  been  commended  as  cor- 
rect in  principle  and  method  in  the  training  of 
children  will  be  of  little  worth  unless  the  general 
spirit  and  tone  of  the  home  are  good.  If  these 
are  healthful,  if  the  parents  are  possessed  of 
pure,  tender,  unselfish,  cheerful,  conscientious, 
patient.  Christlike  hearts  and  impulses,  a  like 
spirit  will  be  imparted  to  all  the  circle.  What  a 
difference  in  the  home  atmosphere  of  families ! 
It  can  be  felt  by  a  visitor  in  an  hour's  call.  And  oh, 
what  a  difference  in  the  stamp  given  to  the  chil- 
dren of  homes  of  a  healthful  and  of  an  unhealth- 
ful  atmosphere  !  By  this  silent,  yet  ever-present 
and  mighty  influence,  the  tender  and  impressible 
young  life  is  being  daily  and  surely  formed,  for 
its  permanent  good  or  permanent  ill.  What  a 
mighty  power  is  moral  influence,  personal  influ- 


WORDS    TO    PARENTS  89 

ence !  and  nowhere  else  in  all  the  earth  is  it  so 
mighty  as  in  the  home,  by  parents  upon  their 
own  children.  And  so  do  we  come  back  to  the 
general  truth,  the  momentous  truth,  the  truth 
which  is  a  part  of  the  settled  order  of  human 
affairs,  that  in  the  home,  by  parents,  are  wielded 
the  influences  that  mold  the  succeeding  genera- 
tions of  men.  History  corroborates  this  state- 
ment, and  every  day  observation  enforces  the 
lesson  of  all  the  past.  Father,  mother,  what  are 
you  doing  to  meet  the  high  and  holy  responsibil- 
ity that  God  has  placed  upon  you?  Is  it  your 
daily  study  and  your  highest  delight  to  train  up 
your  children  in  the  way  they  should  go,  bring- 
ing them  up  in  the  nurture  and  admonition  of 
the  Lord  ? 

Parents  of  our  day  are  favored  by  the  publi- 
cation of  books  and  magazines  on  the  subject  of 
child-training  as  have  been  parents  of  no  other 
age.  Of  some  of  these  books  I  made  mention  in 
another  chapter.  Here  I  wish  to  call  attention 
to  an  excellent  organization  for  the  promotion  of 
interest  upon  this  vital  subject  and  the  spread  of 
useful  information.  I  refer  to  what  is  called 
''The  Parents'  Association  of  America."  Its  ob- 
jects are  stated  in  its  constitution  to  be :  — 

"To  afford  to  parents  opportunities  for  coopera- 


90  THE    FAMILY 

tioii  and  consultation,  so  that  the  wisdom  and 
experience  of  each  may  be  made  profitable  for 
all. 

"To  stimulate  their  enthusiasm  through  the 
sympathy  of  numbers  acting  together. 

"To  create  a  better  public  opinion  on  the  subject 
of  the  training  of  children,  and  with  this  object 
in  view,  to  collect  and  make  known  the  best 
information  and  experience  on  the  subject. 

"  To  assist  parents  to  understand  the  best  prin- 
ciples and  methods  of  education  in  all  its  aspects, 
and  especially  in  those  which  concern  the  forma- 
tion of  habits  and  character. 

"To  secure  greater  unity  and  continuity  of 
education  by  harmonizing  home  and  school 
training,"  etc. 

It  consists  of  a  central  society  and  local 
branches. 

For  particulars  as  to  membership  and  full  in- 
formation, address  Dr.  George  William  Winter- 
burn,  No.  230  West  One  Hundred  and  Thirty- 
second  Street,  New  York. 


APPENDIX. 


THE   FAMILY   SCHOOL. 

BY   KEV.    I.    L.    BOOKWALTER. 
I.      A   NEW    MOVEMENT    NEEDED. 

Much  has  been  said  and  written  in  regard  to 
Sabbath-school  work.  It  truly  involves  very  im- 
portant gospel  machinery  for  the  salvation  and 
moral  elevation  of  mankind ;  and  wonderful  prog- 
ress has  been  made  in  the  last  score  of  years  in 
bringing  this  line  of  Christian  work  to  its  present 
state  of  perfection.  Upon  this  work  are  brought 
to  bear  Sabbath-school  assemblies,  conventions, 
Sabbath-school  journals,  teachers'  meetings,  a  crit- 
ical examination  of  the  Scriptures,  lessons,  etc. 

All  this  is  right,  and  just  as  it  should  be.  But 
may  I  not  make  the  suggestion  that  there  is  another 
school,  another  institution  divinely  ordained,  that, 
if  rightly  managed,  is  of  much  more  force  and 
power  for  the  good  of  our  race  than  the  Sabbath 
school.  I  mean  the  family  school.  This  precedes 
every  other  means  of  instruction.  Some  very  good 
and  thoughtful  men  have  given  it  as  their  judg- 
ment that  more  can  be  done  by  parents  at  home,  in 
the  proper  care,  control,  and  teaching  of  their  chil 

91 


92  thp:  family 

dren  from  the  first  to  the  seventh  or  eighth  year,  to 
shape  their  future  moral  and  religious  character 
than  by  all  other  means  combined ;  and  from  care- 
ful observation  during  my  thirty-nine  years  of  life 
in  the  ministry,  I  believe  this  is  about  correct. 

Something,  indeed,  is  said  on  this  important 
subject  by  the  pulpit  and  press,  but  how  very  little 
in  comparison  with  what  is  said  and  done  concern- 
ing Sabbath  schools  and  the  best  methods  of  con- 
ducting them.  Would  it  not  be  well  enough  also 
to  have  family-school  assemblies  and  conventions? 
Why  not  at  least  have  at  all  our  general  Sabbath- 
school  assemblies  a  day  or  two  devoted  exclusively 
to  the  discussion,  by  the  best  talent  that  could  be 
secured,  of  the  importance  of  this  subject,  and  the 
best  and  most  effective  methods  of  conducting 
family  government?  In  my  opinion  the  impor- 
tance of  this  matter  cannot  be  overestimated. 

May  not  the  lack  of  wholesome  discipline  in 
churches,  the  slack  enforcement  of  laws  in  the 
state,  the  bold  violation  of  the  Sabbath  day,  the 
great  number  of  divorces,  the  frequent  outbursts 
of  anarchy  into  which  our  country  is  so  fearfully 
drifting,  and  the  alarming  state  of  morals  in  the 
large  cities,  be  largely  traced  back  to  the  general 
and  increasing  slackness  of  family  teaching  and 
control?  In  many  so-called  Christian  families 
there  is  no  altar  of  worship,  no  daily  family  prayer, 
and  the  children  are  allowed  to  have  about  all 
they  want,  and  do  pretty  much  as  they  please, 
without  any  wholesome  check  being  placed  upon 
their    selfish    and    depraved    desires  by  parental 


APPENDIX  93 

authority.  We  have  departed  entirely  too  far  from 
the  good  old  Puritan  manners  and  from  the  strict 
home  rule  and  piety  of  our  Saxon  fathers. 

Allow  me  to  suggest  that  our  religious  papers 
should  occasionally  print  a  well-matured  article  on 
this  very  important  matter,  giving  the  manner 
and  best  methods  for  the  home  training  of  chil- 
dren, also  securing  able  contributions  on  the  sub- 
ject, and  recommending  the  same  as  topics  for  con- 
ventions, sermons,  and  lectures.  Surely  the  alarm- 
ing liberalism  of  the  times,  with  its  degenerating 
influences,  should  enlist  the  careful  attention  of 
all  the  religious  journals  in  the  land.  Thus  the 
churches  would  be  awakened,  and  the  minds  of 
the  parents  would  be  more  intensely  directed  to 
the  great  duty  of  looking  more  carefully  after  the 
principles  and  lives  of  their  children. 

According  to  my  view,  after  much  thought  and 
observation,  there  is  scarcely  any  question  before 
the  Christian  world  of  more  importance  to  the 
welfare  of  mankind  than  this  which  relates  to 
the  work  and  duty  of  parents  properly  taking 
care  of  their  children  at  home  while  quite  young, 
in  wisely  teaching  them  and  effectively  controlling 
them.  Why  not  have  a  normal  department  in 
every  Christian  college  in  the  land,  with  a  profes- 
sorship, to  give  well-matured  weekly  lectures  on 
the  importance  and  best  methods  of  conducting 
family  government?  Why  not  bring  the  matter 
before  the  Christian  public,  and  wake  up  some 
good  hearts  and  wise  heads  to  write  text-books  on 
the    subject  of   home    training — something    like 


94  '  THE    FAMILY 

Rev.  J.  S.  C.  Abbott's  "Mother  at  Hoipe,"  only 
much  more  full,  and  more  at  length  in  detail  ? 

There  are  seminaries  to  qualify  young  men  to 
preach  the  gospel.  There  are  normal  schools  and 
normal  departments  to  teach  young  men  and 
women  how  to  become  effective  teachers,  both  in 
common  day  schools,  and  also  in  Sabbath  schools. 
So  also  in  almost  every  line  of  business,  and 
human  learning,  interest,  and  duty ;  and  in  recent 
years  many  States  are  introducing  into  the  common 
schools  temperance  instruction,  to  assist  in  for- 
warding the  great  temperance  reform.  Seeing  that 
the  intelligent  world  is  so  wide-awake  on  every 
other  means  of  improvement,  Avhy  should  this 
powerful  instrumentality  for  good,  which  lies  at 
the  foundation  of  both  church  and  state,  be  so 
greatly  neglected? 

I  have  endeavored  to  drop  a  few  seed -thoughts, 
with  the  hope  that  more  able  men  will  take  up  the 
subject,  and  continue  at  it  with  "line  upon  line," 
"precept  upon  precept,"  until  the  Christian  con- 
science is  aroused  and  a  public  sentiment  created 
that  will  bring  about  a  much-needed  reform  in 
society. 

II.      FALSE    METHODS   OF    SECURING   OBEDIENCE^ 

The  most  important  arrangement  in  the  universe 
is  law,  order,  and  obedience.  As  has  been  Avell 
said,  law  has  its  seat  in  the  bosom  of  the  Father, 
and  its  voice  is  the  harmony  of  the  world.  So 
also  in  the  family :  good  rules  and  order,  with 
strict    obedience  to  them    by  both    parents  and 


APPENDIX  95 

children,  are  absolutely  necessary  for  a  good,  noble, 
and  successful  Christian  family.  God  says,  "To 
obey  is  better  than  sacrifice."  Parents  are  under 
law  to  God,  and  children  are  under  law  to  their 
parents.  In  this  important  work,  if  the  obedience 
of  the  children  cannot  be  secured  by  love  and  mild 
means,  then  the  divine  order  should,  as  far  as 
possible,  be  adopted ;  namely,  "  Whom  the  Lord 
loveth  he  chasteneth,  and  scourgeth  every  son 
whom  he  receiveth."  The  wise  man  says,  "  Fool- 
ishness is  bound  in  the  heart  of  a  child;  but  the 
rod  of  correction  shall  drive  it  far  from  him."  To 
secure  the  obedience  of  their  children  without 
doing  this  somewhat  unpleasant  duty,  parents 
often  resort  to  false  and  mistaken  methods.  A 
few  of  them  I  will  now  notice. 

First,  some  parents  continually  threaten  their 
children,  to  get  them  to  do  something  that  they 
do  not  want  to  do,  and  never  fulfill  their  threats 
until,  perhaps,  the  parent  becomes  desperate,  and 
in  a  burst  of  anger  gives  the  child  an  unmerciful 
blow  (perhaps  upon  the  head),  and  thus  the 
matter  ends  in  a  sort  of  disgraceful  riot.  This 
hardens  children,  and  teaches  them  to  disobey 
and  to  be  slack  in  their  promises,  and  fosters  bad 
habits  and  a  very  bad  temper,  that  will  follow  them 
all  through  life. 

Another  false  mode  is  to  deceive  their  children, 
and  tell  them  all  kinds  of  things  that  are  not  true, 
to  induce  obedience.  For  instance,  the  child  is  sick, 
and  refuses  to  take  the  medicine  prescribed  because 
it  tastes  bad.     Then  the  parent  says,  "  Oh,  it  tastes 


96  THE    FAMILY 

sweet  and  good;  it  isn't  bad  at  all."  Thus  the 
child  is  induced  to  take  it,  but  finds  it  very  bitter. 
The  betrayed  child  looks  up  into  the  face  of  the 
parent  with  feelings  of  bitter  disappointment  and 
scorn,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  You  have  lied  to  me, 
and  I  cannot  trust  you  any  more."  Thus  the  par- 
ent teaches  the  child  to  lie  and  practice  deception 
—  one  of  the  vilest  traits  of  character  in  the  cata- 
logue of  human  depravity. 

Another  improper  and  false  way  is  to  purchase 
the  child's  obedience.  Some  will  say  to  the  child, 
"  If  you  will  do  this  or  that,  I  will  buy  you  a  doll,  a 
new  hat,  or  some  candy."  I  was  once  in  a  Christian 
home  in  Ohio  where  there  was  a  little  boy  about 
four  years  old.  His  mother  said  to  him,  "Johnny, 
you  bring  in  some  wood  for  the  stove."  "  No,"  he 
said,  "  I  won't  do  it."  "  Yes,  Johnny,  your  mother 
wants  you  to  do  it "  ;  but  he  would  not  do  it.  She 
parleyed  with  him  some  time ;  but  he  insisted  that 
he  was  not  going  to  do  it.  The  mother  evidently 
felt  somewhat  disconcerted.  She  now  tried  another 
device.  She  said,  "Johnny,  if  you  will  do  it  I 
will  buy  you  a  nice  stick  of  candy."  Johnny  now 
began  to  think  that  it  was  a  pretty  fair  offer,  but 
not  quite  enough.  He  looked  up  with  his  waggish 
eye,  and  said  to  his  mother,  "  If  you  will  buy  me 
two  sticks  of  candy  I  will  do  it."  She  parleyed 
awhile  again,  and  finally  agreed  to  buy  him  two 
sticks ;  then  the  boy  did  as  he  was  told.  All  this 
I  saw  with  my  own  eyes.  Now  who  was  the  master 
in  this  case?  Evidently  the  boy  gained  the  vic- 
tory.   Similar  things  in  spirit  are  taking  place 


APPENDIX  97 

in  families  all  over  this  land.  Thus  the  mother 
helps  to  plant  and  foster  in  her  boy  a  spirit  of 
stubborn  selfishness,  so  that  when  he  becomes  a  man 
it  will  be  in  him  never  to  do  a  kind  act  to  any 
one  unless  he  sees  in  it  at  the  same  time  something 
that  will  benefit  himself. 

The  above  false  methods,  with  many  more  that 
might  be  named,  which  are  so  common  with  manv 
parents,  are  very  wrong  and  hurtful,  and  do  great 
mischief  to  the  future  life  and  character  of  the 
children.  Cheerful  and  happy  obedience  by  the 
children  to  their  parents  should  be  rendered, 
because  God  has  so  ordained,  and  because  it  is  a 
pleasure  for  them  to  do  so.  The  rules  of  the  home 
have  been  wisely  established  for  their  good,  from 
very  love  and  parental  care  for  them.  It  is  all 
right  now  and  then  to  give  presents  to  children  to 
please  and  encourage  them  —  not  to  bribe  them  to 
do  right,  but  because  they  are  good  and  obedient. 

III.      THE    DUTY   OF    MINISTERS. 

The  false  and  ruinous  ways  above  hinted  at  are 
mainly  due  to  the  slackness  and  ignorance  of  par- 
ents upon  this  vital  subject.  And  upon  whom 
rests  the  responsibility  of  this  ignorance?  It 
undoubtedly  rests  upon  the  moral  teachers  of  the 
people  and  ministers  of  the  gospel.  When  we 
earnestly  enter  a  charge  against  ministers  of  the 
gospel  for  so  generally  neglecting  to  instruct  the 
people  on  this  very  important  subject,  both  by  the 
pen  and  from  the  pulpit,  about  the  following 
apology  is  generally  made :   "  Well,  it  is  a  delicate 


98  THE    FAMILY 

matter  to  meddle  with  the  little  duties  and  domes- 
tic atfairs  of  the  family.  Besides,  but  few  of  us 
can  say,  '  I  have  a  model  family  and  train  my  chil- 
dren about  right.'  Hence  we  lay  ourselves  liable  to 
the  retort,  'Physician,  heal  thyself,'  and,  'You 
had  better  sweep  before  your  own  door.' "  I  know 
this  calls  for  heroic  courage,  self-denial,  and  faith- 
fulness, especially  when  we  remember  the  many 
mistakes  and  failures  that  truly  attach  themselves 
to  our  own  history.  Yet  God  still  commands  us, 
notwithstanding  our  many  weaknesses,  to  "preach 
the  woid;  be  instant  in  season,  out  of  season; 
reprove,  rebuke,  exhort,  with  all  long-suffering 
and  doctrine."  If  the  above  excuses  are  valid, 
then  perhaps  most  preachers  might  decline  to 
rebuke  from  the  pulpit  almost  every  wrong  or  sin 
that  men  are  guilty  of,  because  but  few  of  us  can 
say,  "  I  am  free  from  all  these  defects."  The  truth 
is,  God  has  chosen  his  instruments  from  weak  and 
defective  humanity  (saved  by  grace)  to  instruct 
and  save  weak  and  sinful  men  and  reform  the 
world.  .  Therefore  we  are  to  receive  the  word  from 
the  mouth  of  God,  and  deliver  the  message  faith- 
fully to  the  people;  and  if  the  chips  fly  into  our 
own  faces,  we  should  confess  our  failing  and  try  for 
the  future  to  mend  our  ways,  as  we  urge  others  to 
do.  When  God  gave  Moses  the  commandment, 
"Thou  shalt  not  kill,"  Moses  might  have  said, 
"  Oh,  I  cannot  teach  that ;  for  my  brethren  all  know 
that  I  killed  a  man  in  Egypt  and  buried  him  in 
the  sand ;  therefore  it  does  not  become  me  to  say 
anything  about  murder." 


APPENDIX  99 

When  God  by  inspiration  told  Paul  in  all  his 
epistles  to  Avrite  to  his  brethren  to  love  one  another, 
to  put  away  all  anger,  wrath,  malice,  etc.,  to  practice 
meekness  and  kindness,  forbearing  and  forgiving 
one  another,  if  any  have  a  quarrel  against  any,  he 
might  have  said,  "O  my  Lord,  it  does  not  become 
me  to  preach  such  a  message  of  love  and  forgive- 
ness to  my  brethren,  when  they  all  know  what  a 
quarrel  I  had  wdth  Barnabas,  vrhen  the  contention 
grew  so  sharp  that  we  could  no  longer  work 
together,  but  had  to  separate."  Peter's  case  is 
another  striking  instance  illustrating  the  same 
principle.  Dear  brethren,  a  dispensation  of  the 
gospel  is  committed  to  us,  and  we  must  see  to  it 
that  we  are  faithful  to  the  divine  commission. 
Indeed,  we  may  learn  important  lessons  from  our 
ignorance,  defects,  and  failures,  if  we  take  them  in 
the  right  spirit,  as  well  as  from  our  wisest  measures 
and  best  successes;  as  was  said  of  the  Jewish  high 
priest,  "  who  can  have  compassion  on  the  ignorant, 
and  on  them  that  are  out  of  the  way ;  for  that  he 
himself  also  is  compassed  w4th  infirmity."  We 
shall  therefore  be  the  better  able  to  teach  and  com- 
fort our  weak  and  common  humanity 

IV.      SELF-DENIAL. 

To  deny  oneself  and  take  up  the  cross,  is  the 
Redeemer's  great  command.  Self-denial  lies  at 
the  very  threshold  of  all  true  religion  and  accept- 
able worship.  Jesus  says,  "  If  thy  right  hand 
offend  thee,  cut  it  off,  and  cast  it  from  thee,"  and 
''If  any  man  will  come  after  me,  let  him  deny 


100  THE   FAMILY 

himself,  and  take  up  his  cross  daily,  and  follow 
me."  It  is  a  fearful  fact  that  by  sin  the  human 
family  has  become  involved  in  an  awful  state 
of  depravity,  which  shows  itself  everywhere  in 
supreme  selfishness.  For  this  the  gospel  grandly 
provides  a  remedy.  And  one  of  the  most  powerful 
means  that  God  has  ordained  to  make  the  remedy 
effective  is  the  careful  religious  training  of  the 
children  in  the  home  of  their  parents.  God  says 
to  every  mother,  at  the  birth  of  every  child,  "  Take 
this  child  .  .  .  and  nurse  it  for  me,  and  I  will  give 
thee  thy  wages."  Parents  are  emphatically  put,  by 
divine  authority,  in  the  place  of  God,  to  take  care 
of  and  train  the  children  in  the  ignorance  and 
helplessness  of  infancy.  But  how  much  ignorance 
and  indifference  prevail  at  this  point !  The  child 
from  its  very  birth  be'gins  to  manifest  its  selfish- 
ness by  persistent  effort  to  have  its  own  way,  so 
often  seen  in  its  falling  down,  kicking  about,  and 
screaming  at  the  top  of  its  voice.  Right  here  the 
mother  should  begin  wisely,  and  with  a  firm 
determination,  to  teach  the  child  self-denial,  and 
let  it  know  once  for  all  that  it  cannot  have  its  own 
way,  but  that  it  must  submit  to  the  will  of  its 
parents. 

Dr.  Trumbull  says,  "As  a  matter  of  fact,  the 
issue  of  the  lifelong  battle  is  ordinarily  settled  in 
childhood."  Here  is  where  so  many  parents  fail. 
They  have  not  the  wisdom  and  courage  to  carry 
this  matter  through  to  success;  for  they  imagine 
that  to  let  a  child,  the  first  two  or  three  years  of  its 
life,  have  all  it  wants,  and  do  about  as  it  pleases, 


APPENDIX  101 

is  a  mark  of  refinement,  and  indicates  superior 
love  and  kindness.  No  greater  mistake  has  ever 
been  made  The  history  of  very  many  families 
proves  it  real  cruelty  in  the  almost  invariably  sad 
results  that  follow.  Parents  who  suffer  their  chil- 
dren to  grow  up  slaves  to  their  passions  and  evil 
habits  are  guilty  before  God.  I  do  not  plead  for 
much  whipping,  yet  an  occasional  use  of  the  rod 
may  be  necessary.  "  He  that  spare th  his  rod  hateth 
his  son :  but  he  that  loveth  him  chasteneth  him 
betimes  "  Parents  should  give  constant  and  care- 
ful attention  to  the  little  things  at  home,  and  never 
suffer  their  authority  to  be  disregarded,  but  see  to 
it  that  their  commands  are  always  heeded.  A  stern 
look  and  a  firm  and  determined  word  will  gen- 
erally secure  the  end  sought. 

Wesley  says  :  "Never  give  a  child  that  for  which 
it  cries.  If  you  do,  it  will  cry  again,  and  use  this 
as  a  weapon  with  which  to  master  its  parents."  Is 
not  this  the  way  in  hundreds  of  families  ?  Parents 
often  thoughtlessly  stimulate  and  strengthen  the 
selfish  principle  in  their  children  by  indulging 
them  to  an  excessive  extent  in  toys,  costly  dress, 
and  in  overeating  of  rich  food,  thus  making  them 
gluttons,  and  perhaps  dyspeptics  for  life.  Many 
sad  things  occur  along  this  line.  I  once  knew  a 
young  couple  who  had  a  very  bright  little  boy. 
When  about  two  years  old  they  took  him  to  a 
Fourth  of  July  picnic,  and  they  allowed  the  boy  to 
have,  all  day  long,  as  much  of  sweet-cakes,  candy, 
nuts,  raisins,  cheese,  lemonade,  etc.,  as  he  wanted. 
At  night  they  brought  him  home  deathly  sick.     He 


102  THE    FAMILY 

lingered  in  painful  distress  about  four  weeks,  and 
died.  And  the  parents  had  the  bitter  reflection 
that  this  was  the  sad  result  of  their  own  weakness 
and  folly. 

Often  the  self-will  and  conceit  of  children  are 
much  strengthened  by  unguarded  flattery.  I  once 
knew  a  preacher,  one  of  the  most  able  men  in  the 
conference,  who  was  also  pious,  and  an  excellent 
worker,  and  generally  very  successful.  But  he  was 
so  irritable  in  his  temper,  and  so  self-willed  and  set 
in  his  way,  that  the  conference  often  had  trouble 
with  him,  and  the  people  where  he  labored  had 
many  unpleasant  things  to  endure.  The  chief 
cause  of  this  objectionable  feature  in  his  otherwise 
good  and  strong  character  was  in  his  early  training, 
as  I  learned  from  his  own  lips.  He  was  his  father's 
pet  boy,  who  let  him  have  his  own  way,  and  often 
spoke  of  him  in  his  presence  as  the  smartest  of 
all  his  children.  Thus  he  was  pampered,  indulged, 
and  spoiled,  so  that  even  grace  itself  did  not  wholly 
remove  this  unpleasant  feature  of  his  life.  In  the 
language  of  another,  "  every  child  needs  the  help 
of  his  parents  in  keeping  control  of  himself. 
Wise  training  can  secure  it.  Many  a  man's  life  is 
made  sad  through  his  hopeless  lack  of  that  self- 
control  to  which  he  could  have  been  helped  in 
childhood,  if  only  his  parents  had  understood  his 
needs,  and  been  faithful  accordingly." 

From  what  has  been  said,  we  learn  that  the  easy 
and  slack  way  of  Christian  parents  in  the  over- 
indulgence of  their  children,  in  gratifying  their 
selfish  desires  and  passions,  is  the  great  mistake 


APPENDIX  103 

unci  bane  of  modern  society.  Paul  says,  "I  keep 
under  my  body,  and  bring  it  into  subjection ;  lest 
....  I  myself  should  be  a  cast-away." 

V.      LITTLE    THINGS. 

It  is  the  little  things  of  human  life  and  of  the 
family  that  are  most  likely  to  escape  the  attention 
of  parents,  although  they  are  of  vast  importance. 
It  is  the  little  things  that  come  together  and  en- 
large and  finally  aggregate  the  sum  total.  The 
coral  insect,  added  one  by  one,  gradually  creates  an 
island  in  the  ocean  uj^on  which  great  cities  are 
built.  The  little  drops  of  water  that  fall  upon  the 
hills  make  the  rivulets,  and  they  make  larger 
streams,  and  these  converge  and  form  the  mighty 
rivers  upon  which  floats  the  commerce  of  the 
world.  So,  also,  the  spirit  and  little  acts  of  the 
parents  in  the  home  life  will  exert  a  decisive 
influence  upon  the  character  of  their  children, 
either  for  weal  or  w^oe,  in  all  after  life.  When  the 
child  two  or  three  years  old  Avants  to  do  something 
that  the  mother  knows  it  ought  not  to  do,  or  wants 
something  that  it  ought  not  to  have,  or  refuses  to 
do  something  that  it  ought  to  do,  very  often  no 
notice  is  taken  of  it,  with  the  remark :  "Oh,  this  is 
such  a  little  thing,  and  the  child  is  so  young,  that 
it  don't  matter  or  amount  to  anything.  Let  the 
dear  little  boy  enjoy  himself,  and  have  all  the 
pleasure  he  can ;  for  he  will  have  trouble  enough 
in  the  years  to  come,"  forgetting  that  the  impres- 
sions of  childhood  can  never  be  fully  erased.  It 
is  all  right,  and  duty,  indeed,  for  parents  to  give 


104  THE    FAMILY 

to  their  children  all  the  happiness  they  can  in 
every  proper  and  legitimate  way.  But  parents 
ought  to  know  that  through  ignorance,  neglect,  and 
selfish  or  false  sympathy,  and  a  misguided  kind- 
ness, thousands  have  laid  the  foundation  for  the 
future  failure  and  wretchedness  of  their  children. 
Good  people  are  unintentionally  doing  this  very 
thing  to-day  all  over  this  land. 

The  great  fact  of  sin  and  moral  perversity,  the 
great  truth  of  God  and  our  accountability  to  him, 
and  of  what  is  duty,  can  be  taught  in  simple 
language  to  children  much  earlier  than  most  people 
think.  It  seems  that  children,  with  an  intuitive 
aptness  which  God  has  planted  in  every  human 
soul,  can  very  soon  learn  to  know  good  from  evil, 
and  are  especially  susceptible  of  divine  influence. 

By  the  careful  teaching  and  earnest  prayers  of 
my  mother,  before  I  was  seven  years  old  a  deep 
conviction  was  already  made  upon  my  heart,  of 
right  and  wrong,  of  God,  of  heaven,  of  hell,  of  a 
judgment  to  come,  and  of  my  childish  failures, 
that  often  moved  me  to  tears ;  and  I  would  often 
resolve  in  my  heart  that  at  some  future  day  I 
would  give  myself  fully  to  God  and  be  a  Christian. 
Though  I  dela3^ed  a  long  time,  yet  at  the  age  of 
twenty-one  I  was  converted  and  began  to  lead  a 
new  life. 

As  soon  as  the  child  can  understand  the  matter, 
the  principles  of  honesty  and  truthfulness  should 
be  carefully  taught,  both  by  precept  and  example, 
in  the  little  occurrences  of  everyday  life,  as  between 
brothers  and  sisters  and  in  the  mingling  with  other 


APPENDIX  105 

children,  and  especially  in  all  our  own  business 
transactions  with  our  neighbors.  Right  here  is 
where  our  conduct  makes  the  most  lasting  impres- 
sions upon  our  children.  Let  the  parents  see  to  it 
that  their  little  boys  and  girls  act  justly  and  fairly 
in  everything  with  their  playmates,  and  as  a  rule, 
by  the  blessing  of  God,  they  will  grow  up  to  be 
men  and  women  worthy  of  trust  in  any  position 
to  which  they  may  be  called. 

Industry  is  another  important  virtue  that  must 
be  taught  in  early  life.  But  in  modern  times  this 
is  sadly  neglected,  to  the  ruin  of  thousands  of 
otherwise  promising  young  men  and  women.  Idle- 
ness is  one  of  the  greatest  curses  of  the  youth  of 
any  community.  Constant  employment,  suited 
to  the  age  and  strength  of  the  child,  both  of  the 
mind  and  body,  should  be  the  rule,  with  perhaps 
some  exceptions.  This  will  produce  good  health, 
strong  muscles,  and  a  vigorous,  virtuous  mind  and 
heart.  I  know  it  is  said  that  "  all  work  and  no 
play  makes  Jack  a  dull  boy."  This  may  in  part  be 
so.  But  it  is  also  true,  that  all  play  and  no  work 
makes  Jack  a  lazy  rascal.  And  the  world  is  full  of 
such.  Modern  discoverers  have  not  as  yet  been  able 
to  set  aside  God's  ancient  decree,  "  In  the  sweat  of 
thy  face  shalt  thou  eat  bread."  And  whoever  tries 
to  get  bread  otherwise  will  find  that  disaster  will 
come  in  somewhere,  and  at  some  time.  Employ- 
ment for  the  boys  and  girls,  on  the  farm,  in  the 
kitchen,  in  the  shop,  or  in  the  store,  can  be  made  a 
matter  of  such  pleasure  and  interest  that  play  or 
idleness  will  be  but  little  desired  or  sought  after. 


106  THE    FAMILY 

Economy  is  another  important  matter.  Industry 
without  wise  economy  would  scarcely  secure  and 
retain  half  a  loaf.  Parents  should  labor  to  instill 
the  principle  very  early  into  the  minds  of  their 
children.  Frugality,  or  a  prudent  and  sparing 
use  of  money  or  goods,  as  it  regards  a  successful, 
useful,  and  happy  life,  is  indispensably  neces- 
sary; for  from  the  lack  of  this  vital  principle 
in  practical  business  matters  some  otherwise  good 
people  have  made  almost  an  entire  failure  in 
all  life's  plans  and  opportunities.  Slack  ideas 
of  current  expenses,  the  extravagance  of  pride, 
and  a  lavish  way  of  spending  money  for  any- 
thing except  the  real  necessities  of  life,  have 
ruined  many  families  and  brought  them  to  grief 
and  shame. 

Children  will  very  soon  reach  out  into  lavish 
extravagance  if  not  carefully  taught  and  restricted 
by  their  parents.  In  this  day  of  vanity  and  fool- 
ish rivalry,  many  parents,  in  the  matter  of  costly 
dolls,  superfluous  dress,  equipage,  sweetmeats,  etc., 
in  order  to  equal  or  surpass  their  neighbors,  over- 
load, surfeit,  and  spoil  their  children.  They  do 
this  great  wrong  without  any  thought  of  what  an 
endless  legacy  of  future  sorrow  and  distress  they 
are  laying  up  for  their  loved  ones.  To  remedy 
this  demoralizing  state  of  things  calls  for  courage 
and  firmness. 

VI.      A   GOOD    MOTHER. 

I  have  felt  for  a  number  of  years  that  I  ought  to 
lay  aside  my  natural  modesty,  and,  for  the  benefit 


APPENDIX  107 

of  mothers  and  ministers,  give  the  following  mem- 
ories to  the  public. 

My  mother's  maiden  name  was  Elizabeth  Landis. 
She  was  born  in  Berks  County,  Pennsylvania,  in 
the  year  1781.  Her  father  was  of  Swiss  descent,  a 
member  of  the  Mennonite  Church,  a  very  honest, 
unassuming,  pious.  Christian  man,  benevolent  in 
spirit,  often  having  ''big  meetings"  at  his  house. 
On  these  occasions  he  would  give  a  free  dinner  to 
all  present. 

My  mother  was  converted  at  the  age  of  fifteen, 
under  the  evangelistic  labor  of  that  most  excellent 
and  devoted  man  of  God,  Jacob  Albright,  the 
founder  of  the  church  of  the  Evangelical  Associa- 
tion. During  his  labors  among  the  si3iritually 
dead  churches,  a  great  and  genuine  revival  of  reli- 
gion took  place,  in  which  many  souls  were  con- 
verted. After  a  lapse  of  five  or  six  years,  Mr.  Al- 
bright, in  the  spirit  of  Saint  Paul,  made  another 
ovangelistic  tour  through  the  country  where  he  had 
preached  before,  to  see  how  his  converts  were  do- 
ing. My  mother  had  now  been  married  several 
months  to  my  father,  Joseph  Bookwalter,  and  was 
settled  on  a  farm.  Mr.  Albright,  in  his  faithful 
pastoral  visits,  came  to  their  house.  My  father 
was  not  at  home.  In  his  plain  and  personal  talk 
concerning  her  spiritual  condition,  about  the  fol- 
lowing conversation  took  place:  — 

''Are  you  a  Christian,  and  do  you  still  enjoy 
religion?"  The  answer  was,  ''Yes,  I  am  trying  to 
do  the  best  I  can."  "Well,  as  you  are  now  married, 
and  you  and  your  husband  have  entered  upon  the 


108  THE    FAMILY 

responsible  duties  of  this  sacred  relation,  do  you 
have  daily  family  prayer  in  your  house?"  She 
said,  "  No ;  my  husband  is  not  religious,  therefore 
this  duty  is  neglected."  "  Well,"  said  he,  "  could 
you  not  pray  in  the  family  night  and  morning, 
provided  your  husband  did  not  object?"  She 
answered  that  she  did  not  know ;  that  she  had 
never  thought  of  that.  Then  he  urged  this  duty 
upon  her  in  a  very  earnest  manner,  and  said, 
"  Will  you  do  this :  when  your  husband  comes 
home,  tell  him  of  the  conversation  we  have  had, 
and  ask  him  if  he  will  have  any  objections  to  your 
setting  up  an  altar  of  worship  in  your  home ;  and 
if  he  does  not  object,  will  you  attend  to  this  duty 
yourself  ? "  She  at  once  answered  that  she  would 
do  so.  Though  my  father  was  not  at  that  time  a 
Christian,  he  was  somewhat  religiously  inclined, 
and  cheerfully  consented  to  her  request;  and 
after  that  family  prayer  was  a  permanent  institu- 
tion in  our  home.  My  mother  was  a  very  modest, 
unassuming,  timid  woman,  yet  religiously,  by  the 
help  of  divine  grace,  she  manifested  a  great  deal 
of  womanly  courage.  Every  night  and  morning  she 
would  sing  a  little  German  hymn,  and  then  kneel 
dowm  and  pray.  This  she  would  do,  no  matter 
what  strangers  might  be  present. 

In  1816  they  removed  to  Ross  County,  Ohio,  on 
a  farm.  The  country  was  very  new,  and  the  peo- 
ple were  subject  to  many  privations  and  much 
hardship.  Very  few  luxuries,  or  even  comforts, 
were  known  for  some  years  in  my  parents'  new 
home,  and  there  was  a  great  deal  of  sickness  in  the 


APPENDIX  109 

family.  Yet  this  arrangement  of  family  prayer 
was  kept  up  uninterrupt^dly.  I  do  not  claim  that 
my  mother  had  no  defects  or  weaknesses,  but  I 
may  claim  that  her  many  virtues  and  godly  life 
are  worthy  of  our  admiration  and  imitation.  She 
did  not  live  in  the  day  of  convenient  schools  or 
modern  privileges.  All  the  learning  she  had  was 
to  read  the  German  language  fairly  well.  Her 
books  were  the  Bible,  Pilgrim's  Progress,  Harlan 
Page,  Thomas  a  Kempis,  Flavel,  Elijah  the  Tish- 
bite,  and  some  other  books  of  strong  devotional 
spirit.  These  she  read,  especially  in  her  older 
days,  with  great  interest  and  pleasure.  Secret 
]^rayer  was  a  duty  she  never  neglected.  We 
younger  children,  when  the  older  ones  were  out 
at  work,  often  heard  her  upstairs  in  the  old  log- 
house  pleading  with  God  for  her  children  and 
household  with  great  earnestness.  When  regular 
preaching  was  scarce  she  frequently  walked  over 
a  mile  to  a  schoolhouse  to  meetings  on  a  week- 
day, carrying  her  youngest  child  in  her  arms.  I 
never  heard  her  speak  an  unchaste  or  foolish 
word.  But  she  often  spoke  of  God,  and  heaven, 
and  Christian  duty,  and  warned  us  against  sin, 
and  taught  us  to  pray.  She  was  kind  and  affec- 
tionate, yet  firm,  and  labored  to  receive  our  atten- 
tion and  obedience,  though  it  sometimes  required 
the  use  of  the  rod.  She  was  very  benevolent  and 
liberal  to  the  poor,  and  no  one  in  need  that  ever 
came  to  our  house  went  away  empty.  My  father 
was  eventually  converted  at  about  the  age  of  fifty- 
five,  and  thereafter  he  assisted  mother  in  family 


110  THE    FAMILY 

worship.  He  died  a  Christian  some  years  after, 
in  1838. 

Our  home  was  always  a  resting  place  for  weary 
itinerants.  Mother,  like  the  woman  of  Shunem, 
took  great  pleasure  in  making  them  as  comfortable 
as  possible,  and  very  much  enjoyed  the  Christian 
fellowship  and  counsel  of  God's  pure  and  deeply- 
devoted  messengers. 

Mother  died  in  the  year  1849.  She  passed  away 
in  great  triumph.  The  joy  of  her  departing 
moment  was  clearly  indicated  by  her  countenance 
as  well  as  by  her  words. 

There  were  nine  children  —  five  boys  and  four 
girls.  Seven  of  them  have  already  crossed  the 
river,  and  we  have  good  reason  to  believe  that  they 
are  all  saved  and  happy  in  heaven.  No  doubt  this 
result  is  largely  due  to  mother's  prayers,  courage, 
and  faithfulness.  God  told  Mr.  Carvosso,  when  he 
prayed  so  earnestly  for  his  children,  "that  not  a 
hoof  should  be  left  behind." 

These  circumstances  of  long  ago  can  never  be 
forgotten.  Though  I  am  now  beyond  threescore 
years  and  ten,  yet  they  are  as  vivid  in  my  mind, 
and  as  sweetly  cherished  in  my  heart,  and  indeed 
more  so,  than  they  were  when  I  was  a  boy  in  the 
happy  home.  Oh,  how  thankful  I  am  to  God  for 
such  a  mother !  I  feel  that  I  shall  never  be  able  to 
compute  fully  the  amount  of  blessings  that  have 
come  to  me  and  all  the  family  through  her  prayers 
and  persevering  faithfulness.  Now  as  I  am  nearing 
the  eternal  shore,  methinks  she  will  be  the  first 
of  shining  ones  to  meet  me  and  welcome  me  out 


APPENDIX  111 

of  earth's  battles,  affliction,  toil,  and  sorrows,  home 
into  heaven's  sweet  rest. 

This  narrative  may  teach  the  following  impor- 
tant lessons:  — 

First.  We  learn  how  much  a  faithful  minister 
may  do  to  start  a  current  of  influence  that,  will  tell 
with  great  power  for  good  in  generations  to  come. 

Second.  A  minister  in  his  pastoral  visits  should 
be  plain  and  specific  in  every  family,  and  always 
ascertain  whether  they  have  regular  family  prayer 
or  not,  and  earnestly  urge  that  this  very  important 
duty  be  not  neglected. 

Third.  Here  we  learn  what  a  timid  and  un- 
learned Avoman  as  a  Avife  and  mother  can  do,  if  she 
will,  in  her  retired  sphere  to  bring  abundant  and 
permanent  religious  blessings  upon  her  family. 

Fourth.  While  God  calls  some  women  to  useful 
and  honorable  work  abroad  and  in  public  life,  he 
calls  many  to  remain  at  home  with  a  "  meek  and 
quiet  spirit,"  unobserved  by  the  great  outward 
world,  to  carefully  and  prayerfully  guard  and  mold 
the  household  of  children,  and  bring  them  up  in 
the  nurture  and  admonition  of  the  Lord,  and  thus 
do  a  great  work  for  humanity. 


1 
DATE  DUE 

---i-*. 

GAYLORD 

PRINTED  IN  U.S.A. 

